Rejoice! For we never have to hear the word "veepstakes" again!
When Romney made the announcement that he had chosen Rep. Paul Ryan as his running mate, at least a few observers found the choice surprising. After all, ever since Romney ended up as the last man standing in the endless Republican primaries, the political media had become obsessed with who he'd choose. Because let's face it: Romney's just not interesting enough on his own.
We'll never know what one detail about Ryan sealed the deal for the Romney, but we can surely guess as to why he didn't choose some other candidates. Here are our guesses.
PRO: Would deliver the all-important demographic of "people who want to watch an Indian-American guy with a Southern accent speak on TV." CON: Voters might be confused about how he's pulling double duty playing Kenneth on "30 Rock."
PRO: Name sounds like a late-'90s Latin singing sensation. CON: A duet between him and Joe Biden would be too sexy for America to handle.
PRO: Mitt and Scrooge use the same money tower guy. CON: Refused to explain why life was like a hurricane, there in Duckberg.
PRO: Might let Romney be the new Robin. CON: Could be played by George Clooney at any moment.
PRO: Would had no problem standing behind Mitt and dropping random F-bombs during the State of the Union. CON: Would get belligerent every time Mitt began his phone calls to him by adopting a gravelly baritone and exclaiming, "Hey hey hey!"
PRO: One of the greatest political minds in a generation. CON: Sleeps in a swamp and diet consists only of live frogs.
PRO: Is the richest, and therefore most objectively successful, man in Springfield. CON: Romney thinks Smithers is just "terribly grating."
PRO: Vice president might be the only more irrelevant job than reality show star. CON: Unfortunately for Sarah, Mitt has read a newspaper or watched television in the last four years.
PRO: Discovered the only way to become rich in the Romney administration by shooting a bullet where oil was. CON: Mitt's seen much better ce-ment ponds.
PRO: Mitt thought Ron was very polite every time they'd spoken. CON: Until he realized Ron was not the butler.
PRO: One of the few celebrities unafraid to sing the National Anthem in public. CON: Mitt thought the season finale of "Roseanne" was a real cop-out.
PRO: Seems like a real family man. CON: Mitt could not properly vet him until stealing someone's HBO Go password.
PRO: It takes pretty big stones to declare a day in support of a homophobic fast-food chain. CON: Huckabee loves the bass guitar, and Mitt's a treble man through-and-through.
PRO: Is responsible for Emilio Estevez, and Romney has a framed portrait of Coach Gordon Bombay on his desk. CON: Roughly 70% of Americans thinks he's been the President already.
PRO: Would be the first vice president to have had his own board game in the '80s. CON: Is Donald Trump.
PRO: Could introduce Mitt to Scarlett Johansson. CON: Cabinet meetings could get thrown off by Tony's tendency to rocket through the ceiling.
PRO: He certainly looks like a politician. CON: Turns out he's not even a little bit related to Natalie Portman.
PRO: Romney's often felt like he would make a fantastic Earl of Grantham. CON: Come now, old boy, only a real pillock would wear those cufflinks outside of the master's chambers.
PRO: Thick skin. The only worse job than helping pull the country out of an economic crisis is being forced to live around the Kardashians. CON: For that reason, Bruce Jenner is likely insane.
A Loaf Of Bread
PRO: Bread has truly <em>risen</em> politically, and is certainly <em>ingrained</em> in a <em>slice</em> of the electorate. CON: Mitt's no idiot who will be upstaged.
A Dockers Model
PRO: Romney could continue his support for the nation's dads by expressing solidarity with their trouser of choice. CON: Actually, Romney did end up choosing a Dockers model.
PRO: Ever since Mitt dressed up as Rich Uncle Pennybags every year for Halloween, he has been a passionate fan of Monopoly. And also monopolies. CON: Is an outspoken birther.
PRO: USA! USA! USA! CON: Mitt had no idea so much male nudity was involved in the original Olympics.
Ted Nugent's Hat
PRO: That hat's seen a thing or two in its day, man. CON: The hat refused to denounce the head on which it sits.
Your Neighbor Glen
PRO: You want a guy you can count on, Glen's your guy. He and Kimberly just went to that new barbeque joint that opened up, and you gotta try the ribs. They're somethin' else. CON: Kimberly's a real see-you-next-Tuesday.
A Guy Who Still Uses The Word "Chillax"
PRO: He's out of touch with reality, living in the past and lacks any and all self-awareness. In other words, a match made in heaven. CON: To compete, Biden would become the guy who still says "hella."
Rosie From "The Jetsons"
PRO: Works long hours, gets the job done with impressive efficiency and holds the secret to flying cars. CON: Rumors have long swirled about her sexual affair with The Great Gazoo.