Huffpost Politics
Jason Linkins Headshot

Mitt Romney Should Get Female Vote Because Of His Superior Bodily Fluids, National Review Says

Posted: Updated:

I'm sort of gratified that someone has finally had the courage to argue for Mitt Romney's election based on theories culled from "Doctor Strangelove" -- specifically Base Commander Jack D. Ripper's contention that "precious bodily fluids" are the be-all and end-all signifier of American Exceptionalism. Stepping up to offer this contention is the National Review's Kevin D. Williamson, and I'll straight up admit that I'm envious that there is a guy out there who can write such an argument for a living. Kudos, sirrah!

So, the basic gist of his piece is that Mitt Romney has got mad-potent baby batter brewin' in his loins, and if you ladies knew what was good for you, you'd step to the fore to receive his communion, because -- after all -- "the conventional biological wisdom is that men select mates for fertility, while women select for status."

You want off-the-charts status? Check out the curriculum vitae of one Willard M. Romney: $200 million in the bank (and a hell of a lot more if he didn’t give so much away), apex alpha executive, CEO, chairman of the board, governor, bishop, boss of everything he’s ever touched. Son of the same, father of more. It is a curious scientific fact (explained in evolutionary biology by the Trivers-Willard hypothesis — Willard, notice) that high-status animals tend to have more male offspring than female offspring, which holds true across many species, from red deer to mink to Homo sap.

Yes, just so you know, this entire thing is written from the point of view of an ejaculate-obsessed jazz hepcat.

The offspring of rich families are statistically biased in favor of sons — the children of the general population are 51 percent male and 49 percent female, but the children of the Forbes billionaire list are 60 percent male. Have a gander at that Romney family picture: five sons, zero daughters. Romney has 18 grandchildren, and they exceed a 2:1 ratio of grandsons to granddaughters (13:5).

Nice work, Ann Romney's uterus! If things had gone the other way, you'd be trading erectile dysfunction jokes in the Great Beyond with Anne Boleyn, or something. But what about POTUS?

Professor Obama? Two daughters. May as well give the guy a cardigan. And fallopian tubes.

Ha, ha, yes, President Obama's sperm is just the worst! Daughter-producing junk, with nary a Tagg to be found. How much more of this article, which reads as if Richard Coyle's character from "Coupling" was invited to write a political column, can I possibly take? This much more:

Saleh al-Rajhi, billionaire banker, left behind 61 children when he cashed out last year. We don’t do harems here, of course, but Romney is exactly the kind of guy who in another time and place would have the option of maintaining one. He’s a boss. Given that we are no longer roaming the veldt for the most part, money is a reasonable stand-in for social status.

Mitt Romney, by the way, would not last even one day "roaming the veldt." I am pretty sure that he would have a complete nervous breakdown at the sight of a callus.

Anyway, according to Williamson, "From an evolutionary point of view, Mitt Romney should get 100 percent of the female vote," because of his musk, or something? (This is where Rafalca comes in, I guess.)

Here is a video of The Hold Steady performing their song "Girls Like Status." If you can contemplate either Mitt Romney or Kevin Williamson hanging out in this milieu, then I congratulate you on your rich, imaginative inner life. See you in Ybor City, Mittens.

[Would you like to follow me on Twitter? Because why not?]

Also on HuffPost:

Political Turkeys
of
Share
Tweet
Advertisement
Share this
close
Current Slide

Suggest a correction

Around the Web

Boys, Boys, Boys

The 10 Craziest Lines From National Review's Story On Why Mitt Romney ...

The National Review Wonders if Mitt Romney Can Turn Women On

 
  Obama Romney
Obama Romney
332 206
Obama leading
Obama won
Romney leading
Romney won
Popular Vote
33 out of 100 seats are up for election. 51 are needed for a majority.
Democrat leading
Democrat won
Holdover
Republican leading
Republican won
Democrats* Republicans
Current Senate 53 47
Seats gained or lost +2 -2
New Total 55 45
* Includes two independent senators expected to caucus with the Democrats: Angus King (Maine) and Sen. Bernie Sanders (Vt.).
All 435 seats are up for election. 218 are needed for a majority.
Democrat leading
Democrat won
Republican leading
Republican won
Democrats Republicans
Seats won 201 234
Click for Full Results
Register To Vote