Dear Susan,
My 14-year-old daughter used to be very social. She was always going to her friends' houses or having them over. But now she is very lazy, glued to the TV, watching one show after another and refusing to do much of anything else -- either with us or with her friends. Should I make her go out and do things she doesn't want to do?
Signed,
Glued to the Tube
Dear Glued to the Tube,
Many boys and girls go through phases in their social life as they move into adolescence. Sometimes they want to be surrounded by friends at every moment of the day and night; other times, they may seem to retreat entirely. It isn't uncommon for girls to pull away from old friends as they grow up -- and frankly, sometimes teens lie around the house lethargically. But your question does raise some concerns. When a child seems to withdraw from the world, it's important to rule out any significant problems. Here's my advice:
- Make sure your daughter isn't escaping into TV because of an issue like bullying or depression. Kids who become isolated from others when they are typically very social could be dealing with emotional or psychological challenges that require your attention. Talk with your daughter in a way that allows her to see you as a safe confidante. If she senses that you're not simply trying to force her to stop doing something she enjoys, you may discover that her TV "addiction" is more about numbing herself from difficult life events than it is about being "lazy" -- a word I particularly dislike.
It is challenging to monitor and control a 14-year-old's behavior in every aspect of life, including TV watching. Instead, I encourage parents to pay attention to their instincts, since there is no hard and fast rule about how much is too much. According to the Department of Pediatrics at the University of Iowa Children's Hospital, "The average twelve to seventeen year old watches about 23 hours of TV per week." If a teen's primary occupation is television viewing, and they are withdrawing from friends, exercise and other activities, that is cause for concern.
It's not unusual for kids to get hooked into watching TV for hours on end, especially as they navigate the sometimes rough waters of adolescence, replete with those occasional dark moods during which they simply want to be left alone. Don't be afraid to be the parent your daughter needs you to be, making sure she isn't using the TV as a way to hide from difficult feelings or situations. Help her sort out whatever challenges she may be facing; set appropriate limits; and guide her toward activities that will reawaken her passion for real life.
Yours in parenting support,
Susan
Parent Coach, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and credentialed teacher. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.