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The Apple iPhone 5 Event Drinking Game

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If you are already sick of hearing about Apple and its Big Important iPhone Event, you essentially have two options to help you get through the day:

1. Turn off your computer and go outside.
2. Get really, really drunk until you can't hear the difference between "Apple" and "Android."

We're not going to tell you which path to take, only that we have prepared a little drinking game for you, which all of you legal-aged drinkers can follow along with to ease the tedium and barrage of Apple news that is as inevitable as an Apple executive proclaiming that something "just works."

Now, Apple will not be live-streaming the event -- if only they produced some sort of device with a camera that could record video and connect to the Internet! -- but if you're following along online, you can still participate, as approximately the entire Internet will be live-blogging and live-tweeting the whole thing. (But don't actually participate, because if you do, you'll probably find yourself hugging the toilet before Tim Cook even takes the stage).

And now, without further ado: The Apple iPhone 5 Event Drinking Game. Ladies and gentlemen: Prepare your shot glasses...

Tim Cook introduces a new iPhone.Drink.
Tim Cook introduces a new iMac.Drink.
Tim Cook introduces the representative from Wisconsin's first district, and our next vice president, Mr. Paul Ryan!Finish the bottle.
An Apple exec takes a snide dig at Samsung.Drink.
A Samsung exec retaliates with a snide dig at Apple. Two drinks.
Apple sues Samsung, as Apple Inc. was awarded an exclusive patent on snide digs in 2004.Don't drink, Apple has a patent on that, too.
Your Android-loving friend tells you his Android is better.Drink.
Your BlackBerry-loving friend tells you his BlackBerry is better.Big drink.
Your Windows Phone-loving friend tells you his Windows Phone is better.Drinks are on your friend, I hear Microsoft pays really well.
Tim Cook: "This is the best iPhone we've ever released."Drink.
Tim Cook: "This is -- let's be honest -- the third or fourth best iPhone we've ever released. It's certainly no 3GS, am I right, ladies??"Drink the best drink of your life.
Apple exec uses the word..."revolutionary"Take a revolutionary drink of your beer.
"seamless"Seamlessly drink your beer.
"It just works"You just drink your beer.
"post-PC"Post-drink your post-beer.
"experience"Enjoy your beer experience by drinking your beer.
Tim Cook brings out Scott Forstall.Drink.
Tim Cook brings out Phil Schiller.Drink.
Tim Cook brings out anyone with two X chromosomes.You're watching the wrong channel.
The iTunes Store goes down.Nothing, that always happens.
It doesn't come back up.Now THAT you an drink for.
Apple execs surprise everyone and unveil the iPad Mini.Two drinks.
Apple execs surprise everyone and unveil the Apple Television. Five drinks.
Apple execs surprise everyone and do the entire presentation naked. All the booze you've got.
An Apple exec asks Siri a question on stage. "Do you want some beer, Siri?"
Siri delivers a flawless response."I didn't find any results. Would you like to search the web for 'yuan sombrero'?"
After the event: "Apple's Run On Top Is OVER."Drink.
After the event: "Apple Will Be Dominant For Another 12 Years."Big drink.
After the event: "Is THIS The iPhone 6?"Drink, then chug, then pass US the bottle, for God's sake.

For more coverage on today's event, have a look at our roundups of everything we expect Apple to announce and how to follow the unveilings live. You can view all our coverage of Apple's iPhone event on our big news page.

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