For every beautiful, complex and challenging work of art, attempting to explain your opinion on it is doomed to end in potentially dozens of pretentious statements. Art critique is hard (especially when discussing "negative capabilities", so Woody Allen and HuffPost Arts & Culture were more than pleased to find a tool to do all the work for us.
It's called the "The Instant Art Critique Phrase Generator" and it's hilarious. The website explains how to quickly create your personalized Critical Response to the Art Product -- or "CRAP" for short. The website states: "Now you can produce CRAP critiques as easily and fluently as anyone in your MFA program!"
Enter five digits, click enter and watch as a holier-than-thou storm of misplaced academic jargon appears before your eyes. Just reading the sentences makes us feel like we should be wearing a monocle and puffing on a ceci-n'est-pas-un-pipe.
First we entered in a random number, 45087 and the instacrit was pure gold:
We decided to tackle some works that had been puzzling us for a while...
"I agree/disagree with some of the things that have just been said, but the subaqueous qualities of the biomorphic forms spatially undermines the larger carcass."
We first wanted a quick crit for Franz Kline's notoriously enigmatic "Painting No. 7," 1952. So we plugged in 71952 and voila!
"I'm surprised that no one's mentioned yet that the sublime beauty of the sexy fish makes resonant the eloquence of these pieces."
Then we looked for some insight on Vasily Kandinsky's "Composition 8 (Komposition 8)," 1923.
"It's difficult to enter into this work because of how the sublime beauty of the sexy fish contextualize the remarkable handling of light."
Wait, did we just crack the system?
Our jobs are safe! That was a close one... Anyway, we highly recommend checking out the website the next time a piece has you stumped or you're looking for a good chuckle.