If you've ever been in a long-distance relationship, then you can certainly relate to the old (slightly altered) truism, "Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder." The nights spent cold and alone; the not-quite-satisfying video chats on Skype; the all-too-brief, fleeting weekend visits: It's a hard commitment, to be sure.
LovePalz is a two-way, Internet-connected pleasure machine that allows couples in different bedrooms, from anywhere in the world that has Wi-Fi, to simulate coitus. Each partner positions one device -- a "Hera" for the ladies, a "Zeus" for the men -- on his or her erogenous zone and then opens up the LovePalz iPhone app (not yet submitted to or approved by Apple) to connect the device with his or her partner's. (Interestingly, there's a social network aspect to the app: You can add other users and then choose which one you want to connect with; in this case, a higher friend count might not be something you wish to advertise.) Once you've paired with a fellow LovePalz owner, the process begins, and whatever movement one partner makes with his or her hips, that movement is received and recreated on the partner's device, in real-time, accounting for both speed and pressure. With LovePalz, at least, it really is all about the motion in the ocean, not the size of the ship.
Each LovePalz device is rechargeable, comes with an air pump motor and automatic piston (coincidentally my nickname in college), and is -- sigh -- totally waterproof.
Below, watch the two creators of LovePalz -- who are surprisingly not a couple in a long-distance relationship -- discuss the inspiration for their teledildonic breakthrough, and how the machine gets down and dirty:
Ready to buy? The startup, and its idea to revolutionize the yearning and burning of geographically-distant lovers, was actually rejected by Kickstarter (a Kickstarter representative declined to comment, though LovePalz may have rubbed up against the site's prohibition on "pornographic material"), so the founders have started their own Kickstarter-like site where you can pledge money in return for one of the first Zeuses or Heras.
A Zeus and Hera together will cost $94.95 upon launch. Unfortunately, however, LovePalz is only in the pre-order stage, with the company hoping to start shipping in November. In other words, you're going to have to wait a little while for your very own LovePalz to arrive. If you're in a long-term, long-distance relationship, however, you're probably already pretty good at waiting anyway.
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The 'Blush' Creating All The Buzz
Glamour's "Smitten" blog extolls the "Make Me Over" vibrating compact as "the <a href="http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2012/01/a-sex-toy-so-discreet-the-tsa.html#ixzz1kULNFBkM" target="_hplink">most deceptive sex toy</a> you (and the TSA) have ever laid eyes on." The vibrating "makeup sponge" in this mirrored compact <a href="http://bedroomkandistore.ohmibod.com/make-me-over#" target="_hplink">stays charged for up to 60 days</a> and even features a USB port for quick recharging! Cost on <a href="http://bedroomkandistore.ohmibod.com/make-me-over#" target="_hplink">Bedroom Kandi</a>: $89
Can A Diamond Do This?
According to <a href="http://store.babeland.com/bachelorette-party-novelty/gossip-ring" target="_hplink">Babeland</a>'s website, this toy serves a dual function: "Wear the Gossip Ring on your finger as a fashionable accessory... or hold it elsewhere on your body, and the real fun begins ... nobody will be the wiser when you wear it out on the town." Of all of the products being advertised to <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/23/single-women-citibank-honda_n_1224780.html?ref=women" target="_hplink">single women</a> these days, this has to be among the most compelling. Cost on <a href="http://store.babeland.com/bachelorette-party-novelty/gossip-ring" target="_hplink">Babeland:</a> $14
What Is That?
AllAboutYou.com claims the Tuyo Massaging Vibe could be mistaken for "A <a href="http://www.allaboutyou.com/health/sex-life/upmarket-sex-toys-stylish-sensual-discreet-49372?page=2" target="_hplink">designer perfume or objet d'art</a>," while other reviewers compared it to a <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/vibrators/discreet-vibrators/tuyo" target="_hplink">billiard ball.</a> Either way, it'll keep the TSA (and anyone else who dares peek into your luggage) guessing. Price on <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Big-Teaze-Masseur-Personal-Massager/dp/B003VI0IVO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1327511642&sr=8-1" target="_hplink">Amazon</a>: $39.99
Eden Fantasies calls the "I Rub My Duckie" a "A <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/vibrators/discreet-vibrators/paris-duckie" target="_hplink">globe trotting hedonist with a great fashion sense</a>." Whether a "Genuine Swarovski Crystal" and "detachable boa" constitute great fashion sense is debatable, but this over-the-top duckie's <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Big-Teaze-Toys-Duckie-Paris/dp/B000UAQDJC" target="_hplink">alternate identity as a sex toy </a>will likely stay under the radar. Cost on <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Big-Teaze-Toys-Duckie-Paris/dp/B000UAQDJC" target="_hplink">Amazon</a>: $25.42
If Only: The Vibrella
If the Vibrella were really a sex toy, it might be one of the most useful accoutrements ever created, protecting you from the rain outside, then offering a little, um, entertainment once you're indoors. Alas, it's only an umbrella, but as is, it makes an amazing<a href="http://www.babeland.com/sexinfo/features/vibrella" target="_hplink"> April Fool's Day joke</a>. Fake Price on <a href="http://www.babeland.com/sexinfo/features/babeland-vibrella" target="_hplink">Babeland:</a> $65
The Classic Ruse
"Don't worry if it's not your shade -- this discreet lipstick vibe is so stylish and sexy, it can easily pass as part of your make-up bag!" the manufacturers of this "lipstick" promise. Price on <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Pipedream-Products-Mini-Vibrating-Lipstick/dp/B0016376AW/ref=pd_sbs_hpc_2" target="_hplink">Amazon</a>: $10.78
Don't Forget To Pack A Snack
The charging case for "Forbidden Fruit" is as ready for world travel as you are, equipped with adapters for charging in the UK, Europe and Australia. Babeland notes that the vibrator locks for travel, so this is one toy that won't cause alarms by starting to buzz in your suitcase. Now you'll never have to skip your apple a day ... Price on <a href="http://store.babeland.com/vibrators-discreet/forbidden-fruit" target="_hplink">Babeland:</a> $99