While you're watching the debate at 9 p.m. EST tonight (which you can do here, live), play* our drinking game while following along with live commentary from our quick-witted friends at Witstream.

*Note: Don't actually do this; you will die. Avoid the butt-chugging in particular.

If this...Do This
Obama says 47%Pop a can of the cheapest beer you can find, chug patriotically
Romney cites unemployment statsDrink 8.3% of your beer
Camera cuts to sleeping audience member Take a 5 hour energy shot
Obama mentions Romney's tax returns Hide your drink somewhere in the room and pretend it's not there
Romney suggests starting a war with Iran Sprint out of the bar and find a nuclear fallout shelter
Anyone mentions MormonismDrink a shot of water
Camera pans to Joe Biden Take a sip of your drink then point at your TV and wink
"The Ryan Budget" is invokedSteal the drink of someone over the age of 65
Anyone says "redistribution"Pour half your drink in someone's empty glass
Romney defends traditional marriageDrink a bottle of sherry alone in your bedroom while your husband is out galavanting with his secretary again, leaving you home with the kids. Call your mother and ask her if she and dad were really happy for all those years.
Any Romney "Zinger" Take a drink and do a 'Yo Mama' joke about the person next to you
Jeremiah Wright is mentioned Finish your drink and smack your forehead really hard
Obama says "Let me be clear"Vodka/Gin shot
Obama appears "professorial" Mix vodka martini, extra dry
Someone brings up Romney's Massachusetts record Drink a Cape Codder
Someone brings up raising college tuitionButt chug
Romney slams entitlements Snatch up everyone's drinks until they explain why they deserve them
Someone brings up leaving debt for our children Stop drinking so you don't have post-debate unprotected sex
Obama mentions Bin LadenCut open a football, pour a Sam Adams lager into it, drink, spike football
Candidates spar over whether healthcare reform should be called Obamacare or RomneycarePerform minor surgery on whatever your most pressing ailment is, use grain alcohol for antiseptic/anesthesia
Obama refers to "The same policies that got us into this mess"Drink whichever wine cooler made you throw up for the first time as a teenager
Romney asks if we're better off than we were four years agoOpen a bottle of champagne and remember how you felt four years ago
Post-debate, Fox pundit immediately declares Romney the clear winner Drink celebratory Jäger bombs knowing your beliefs about the opposition have been confirmed
Post-debate, MSNBC pundit immediately declares Obama the clear winnerDrink celebratory Jäger bombs knowing your beliefs about the opposition have been confirmed

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  • Buttface Amber Ale

    Only drink this if you don't mind saying "I'll have a Butt Face" all night long. (via <a href="http://www.greatclubs.com/beerofthemonthclub/funny-microbrew-names.asp" target="_hplink">Clubs of America</a>)

  • Hoptimus Prime

    For the nerdy beer connoisseur. (via <a href="http://www.greatclubs.com/beerofthemonthclub/funny-microbrew-names.asp" target="_hplink">Clubs of America</a>)

  • Yellow Snow

    Yum! (via <a href="http://www.greatclubs.com/beerofthemonthclub/funny-microbrew-names.asp" target="_hplink">Clubs of America</a>)

  • Santa's Butt Porter

    We have to say that's one part of Santa we never really thought about. (via <a href="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3199/2307318365_589f032bdb.jpg" target="_hplink">slapadoodle.net</a>)

  • Moose Drool

    Nothing like throwing back a tall, cold pint of Moose Drool. (Via <a href="http://miasmaticreview.mu.nu/mt-static/Moose%20Drool.jpg" target="_hplink">miasmaticreview.mu.nu</a>)

  • Polygamy Porter

    "Why have just one?" (via <a href="http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/i4LVX-5uh796QzGXRdBrjw" target="_hplink">picasasweb</a>)

  • Blithering Idiot

    The only beer that describes its effects right on the bottle. (from <a href="http://www.brewblog.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/weyerbacher_blithering-idiot_bottle.jpg" target="_hplink">BrewBlog.net</a>)

  • Seriously Bad Elf

    Seriously, guys. This elf was terrible. (via <a href="http://www.brewblog.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/weyerbacher_blithering-idiot_bottle.jpg" target="_hplink">punkerdoo.com</a>)

  • Old Leghumper

    That's actually the dog's name too. (via <a href="http://www.nwmicrobrews.com/Thirsty_Dog/Old_Leghumper.jpg" target="_hplink">nwmicrobrews.com</a>)

  • McGuire's I'll Have What The Gentleman On The Floor Is Having Barley Wine

    Smart move! (via <a href="http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/1610/4509" target="_hplink">Beer Advocate</a>)

  • Old Engine Oil

    Once again, not exactly something we'd want to throw back on a hot summer day. (via <a href="http://www.lostinthebeeraisle.com/page/2" target="_hplink">lostinthebeeraisle.com</a>)

  • Vergina

    Someone's getting fired for this, right? (via <a href="http://www.manofest.com/content/images/joomgallery/img_originals/geek_116/the_25_greatest_beer_names_of_all_time_385/vergina_beer_20100706_1513481797.jpg" target="_hplink">manofest.com</a>)

  • Arrogant Bastard

    Now with 50% more smug! (via <a href="http://www.donosborn.com/homebrew/arrogant_bastard_showdown_large.jpg" target="_hplink">donosborn.com</a>)

  • He'brew: The Chosen Beer

    It's Messiah-rific! (via <a href="http://www.manofest.com/Galleries/Geek/The-25-Greatest-Beer-Names-Of-All-Time/Hebrew-The-Chosen-Beer-12126.html#joomimg" target="_hplink">Manofest.com</a>)

  • A Wychewood Ale...

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Phil_Ogden"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/530528975/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Phil_Ogden">Phil Ogden</a>:<br />Well rounded and fruity!!!

  • Oosik Stout

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/spottedal"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://s.huffpost.com/images/profile/user_placeholder.gif" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/spottedal">spottedal</a>:<br />A good oosik never hurt anyone!

  • Monty Python's Holy Grail Ale

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/xchikax"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://s.huffpost.com/images/profile/user_placeholder.gif" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/xchikax">xchikax</a>:<br />Perfect for the Knights Who Say Ni.

  • Sweetwater's HAPPY ENDING beer

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/ProudToBeVeryLiberal"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://i.huffpost.com/profiles/502743-2-tiny.png?20101103172006" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/ProudToBeVeryLiberal">ProudToBeVeryLiberal</a>:<br />

  • Moylan's Kilt Lifter

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Ais4Atheist"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://s.huffpost.com/images/profile/user_placeholder.gif" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Ais4Atheist">Ais4Atheist</a>:<br />

  • Irish Death

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/dburbank"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://i.huffpost.com/profiles/176268-tiny.png?20091116002159" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/dburbank">dburbank</a>:<br />

  • Theakston's Old Peculier

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/klanger"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://s.huffpost.com/images/profile/user_placeholder.gif" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/klanger">klanger</a>:<br />The Legend! See also Theakston Cooper's Butt.

  • Screaming Ape Porter

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Jake_Meltzer"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/692115739/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Jake_Meltzer">Jake Meltzer</a>:<br />Another fine beer from Dos Cerdos Brewery of Northern California

  • Tactical Nuclear Penguin

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Harrison_Fuerst"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/508920411/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Harrison_Fuerst">Harrison Fuerst</a>:<br />The 64 proof beer with a most suitable name

  • Doctor Morton's Clown Poison

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Ralph_Gant"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://s.huffpost.com/images/profile/user_placeholder.gif" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Ralph_Gant">Ralph Gant</a>:<br />

  • Pigs Ass Porter

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Jeffrey_Alexander_Reyes"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/746175399/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Jeffrey_Alexander_Reyes">Jeffrey Alexander Reyes</a>:<br />Mmmmmmmm...Pigs ass.

  • Ill Tempered Gnome

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Goodbeertrips"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://s.huffpost.com/images/profile/user_placeholder.gif" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Goodbeertrips">Goodbeertrips</a>:<br />Don't piss him off. Brought to you by goodbeertrips.com

  • Elysian Mens Room Red

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Goodbeertrips"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://s.huffpost.com/images/profile/user_placeholder.gif" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Goodbeertrips">Goodbeertrips</a>:<br />Better than you'd think. GoodBeerTrips.com

  • Caldera Kettle Series, VAS DEFERENS

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/1587326259/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles">Tiffany 99bottles</a>:<br />Caldera Kettle Series, VAS DEFERENS 8.1% abv Belgian-Style Strong Ale brewed with blood orange zest, orange bitters, and dark Belgian candi sugar. This ale is not meant to reproduce! Limited availability.

  • Before & After, lager beers from Lithuania

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/1587326259/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles">Tiffany 99bottles</a>:<br />Before & After: How alcohol affects your judgement; the "Before" is 4.7% ABV, while the "After" is 12% ABV

  • Missing Elf

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/1587326259/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles">Tiffany 99bottles</a>:<br />Can you help Santa find the "Missing Elf"?

  • Spicy Fish Wife by Slip Point Brewing of Clallum Bay, Wash.

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/1587326259/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles">Tiffany 99bottles</a>:<br />Such an appetizing beer name: SPICY FISH WIFE

  • Buckin' Monk by Big Sky Brewing of Montana

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/1587326259/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles">Tiffany 99bottles</a>:<br />Monks have all the fun.

  • Freaktoberfest

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/1587326259/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles">Tiffany 99bottles</a>:<br />Freaktoberfest pours blood red...

  • Mens Room Original Red

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/1587326259/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles">Tiffany 99bottles</a>:<br />You know where you'll end up after drinking this beer...

  • Farmer's Tan by Southern Tier Brewing

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/1587326259/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles">Tiffany 99bottles</a>:<br />Farmer's Tan: Tastes like chicken (not!)

  • Mens Room Original Red

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/1587326259/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles">Tiffany 99bottles</a>:<br />You know where you'll end up after drinking this beer...

  • Bowser Beer

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/1587326259/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles">Tiffany 99bottles</a>:<br />Share one with your "best friend."

  • Kelpie

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/1587326259/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles">Tiffany 99bottles</a>:<br />KELPIE...brewed with Scottish seaweed!

  • Left Hand 400 lb. Monkey

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/1587326259/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles">Tiffany 99bottles</a>:<br />Do you know what it's like to have a 400 lb. Monkey on your back?

  • Bayern Faceplant

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/1587326259/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles">Tiffany 99bottles</a>:<br />Have too many of these and you're likely to Faceplant!

  • Moo Thunder Stout

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Eric_Schoonover"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://s.huffpost.com/images/profile/user_placeholder.gif" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Eric_Schoonover">Eric Schoonover</a>:<br />A name fitting for its packaged brethren, Porkslap Pale Ale and Snapperhead IPA.

  • Panty Peeler

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/1587326259/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles">Tiffany 99bottles</a>:<br />It really works!

  • Mama's Little Yella Pils

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/1587326259/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Tiffany_99bottles">Tiffany 99bottles</a>:<br />Take two and call us in the morning.

  • Oskar Blues Old Chub

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Goodbeertrips"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://i.huffpost.com/profiles/1298885-2-tiny.png?20101111113547" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Goodbeertrips">Goodbeertrips</a>:<br />One of the first Micro Brews in a can.

  • Maui Brewing Bikini Blonde

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Goodbeertrips"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://i.huffpost.com/profiles/1298885-2-tiny.png?20101111113547" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Goodbeertrips">Goodbeertrips</a>:<br />A hot Blond at the beach

  • Dogfish

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Scott_DiDio"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/yahoo_profile_img/1414614.png" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Scott_DiDio">Scott DiDio</a>:<br />Golden Shower Imperial Pilsner. How can you go wrong with a nice "Golden Shower"

  • Belligerent Ass Nut Brown Ale

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Lucas_Bunzow"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/100001016780297/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Lucas_Bunzow">Lucas Bunzow</a>:<br />One of the many on tap at Portneuf Valley Brewing in Pocatello, Idaho.

  • Laughing Dog Critch Sniffing Bastard

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/TheGreen_Growler"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/100003324715102/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/TheGreen_Growler">TheGreen Growler</a>:<br />It is a great beer to have while out sniffing around, or if you are stuck at home on a short leash for maybe sniffing in the wrong places.

  • Bitter Bitch Extra Special Bitter

    <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Lucas_Bunzow"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/100001016780297/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Lucas_Bunzow">Lucas Bunzow</a>:<br />One of the many at Portneuf Valley Brewing in Pocatello, Idaho.