Here at HuffPost Weird News, we have a little saying for exceptional stories: "We've all been there."
But really, our readers are too smart to pull the kind of shenanigans that comprise our Best Dumb Crime Stories of 2012. You've never strutted your stuff in Walmart wearing nothing but your birthday suit and your pet hamster is not in protective custody because you got behind the wheel under the influence of alcohol. If you've been there, give us a call. If not, enjoy these wacky run-ins with the law and have a Happy Holiday and wonderfully weird new year.
Man Hides Gun In Rectum
There are some places <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/16/man-hides-gun-in-rectum_n_1208666.html">you just shouldn't hide a weapon</a>. Take it from Michael Leon Ward, who -- despite multiple searches -- managed to sneak a 10-inch gun into a prison last January by concealing it in his rectum. Police in North Carolina found the weapon in a toilet after other inmates reported Ward's extra personal item.
Man's Penis Stolen By Thieves
Ouch! Fei Lin, 41, of the Niqiao village near Wenling City, in east China’s Zhejiang province, told police he was asleep when thieves broke into his room, <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/24/fei-lin-penis_n_1699017.html">put a bag over his head and cut off his penis</a>.
Sex Doll Saved From Drowning
Save the woman! Save that, ohhh. In July, 18 police officers in China's Shandong Province rescued <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/23/sex-doll-saved-from-drowning_n_1696434.html?utm_hp_ref=dumb-criminals">a drowning victim who turned out to be an inflatable sex doll</a>. It took more than 40 minutes before the officers were able to recover the pleasure toy.
Naked and Fearless
Looks cold up there. A very nude <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/04/dan-motrescu-jailed_n_2239269.html?utm_hp_ref=dumb-criminals">Dan Motrescu</a> shocked central London when he mounted the bronze statue of the 19th-century Duke of Cambridge on Nov. 23. It took several hours for officers to talk him down, but once they did, Motrescu was charged with possession of an offensive weapon, criminal damage and a public order offense.
Hypothesis: Not good. Officials jailed <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/20/coley-mitchell-drunk-monkeys_n_1810998.html?utm_hp_ref=dumb-criminals">Coley Mitchell</a>, 32, on August 13 after he was discovered intoxicated with his pants down in a campus locker room. In the same room: two lab monkeys who had been let out of their cages.
Oil Of Olay Bandit
Real smooth. Police dubbed 27-year-old <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/28/efrain-hardman-oil-of-olay-bandit_n_1634825.html?utm_hp_ref=dumb-criminals">Efrain Hardman</a> the "Oil Of Olay Bandit" after he allegedly stole $40,000 worth of skincare products. Staying clean and clear is hard, so Hardman eventually gave up and turned himself in to Texas police.
Sweet Justice, Sweet Relief
It's OK to be a little pissed over getting pulled over, but it's never OK to piss on a police car. just ask <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/21/roger-alvin-henderson-urinates-cop-car_n_2170528.html?utm_hp_ref=dumb-criminals">Roger Alvin Henderson</a>, who can be seen in this priceless screen grab relieving himself on a cruiser after he was pulled over for a tinted window violation.
Save That Hamster
Police placed <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/19/hamster-protective-custody-nicole-huey_n_1988839.html">Nicole Huey's hamster</a> in protective custody after arresting her for a DUI during October. The hamster "was not not using any safety equipment," wrote Officer Mike Rowe in a post, titled "A Hamster Was Taken Into Protective Custody," on the Beaverton Police Department's Facebook page.
What He Needed Was Some Underwear
<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/17/naked-man-steals-socks_n_1284139.html">Verdon Lamon Taylor</a>, 32, was busted at a Pennsylvania Walmart during February after he allegedly walked naked into the store and stole a pair of socks. Police said the suspect stripped off his clothes in the parking lot before waltzing into the mega-store in nothing but his birthday suit.
No Lack Of Irony
<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/31/terry-davis-accused-of-stealing-ethics-book_n_1725350.html?utm_hp_ref=dumb-criminals">Terry Davis</a>, 25 of Prospect, Ky., allegedly stole a textbook called "Resolving Ethical Issues" from a Barnes and Noble college book store near the University of Louisville's Health Sciences Center. He later tried to sell the text to Gray's College Bookstore, a rival book shop in Louisville.