The problem with Valentine's Day is that every person is different and most Valentine's Day gifts are the same old same old -- chocolates, wine, flowers, jewelry, mixtapes, yada yada yada.
People trying to connect with that special someone need to remember that each person is unique and you can't celebrate your lover's individuality with soon-to-be melted chocolates or wilted flowers with petals falling to the condo floor by 7 p.m.
That's why we have have the HuffPost Weird Valentine's Day Gift Guide.
If you love someone who is weird enough to love you back, they deserve something special, such as a Bill Clinton corkscrew, a "World's Best Lover" hot water bottle, or couples mittens featuring a sperm on one hand and an egg on the other.
And don't get me talking about the vibrator disguised as a lipstick container.
WEIRD VALENTINE'S DAY GIFT GALLERY
Morbid Human And Skeleton Sculpture
Misery loves company, right? What better way to tell the goth in your life that you understand that they feel emotions much deeper than us mere mortals than with <a href="http://www.uniquegiftsanddecor.com/flesh-and-bone-skeleton-wall-sculpture.html">this art sculpture depicting a living human and skeleton</a> in close congress? It will be the perfect centerpiece for their dungeon.
Dressing up isn't just for Halloween. Just think of the warmth in your lover's heart (and other places) when you show up dressed as <a href="http://www.halloweencostumes.com/sexy-cupid-costume.html">Cupid.</a> It would make anyone quiver with excitement. Be careful where you point the arrow.
Fifty Shades of Dorian Gray
"Fifty Shades Of Gray" proved there are millions of closet sleazeballs, so at least a few of those have to be into higher culture, right? <a href="http://www.skyhorsepublishing.com/book/?GCOI=60239101617800">This mash-up of "Fifty Shades" with "The Picture Of Dorian Gray"</a> shows that kinkiness has been around even longer than the mash-up.
Eyeglasses With Eyes On Them
No matter how much you love someone, it's sometimes difficult to look them straight in the eye. <a href="http://moscot.com/whatsnew.asp?select=photo">These glasses by Moscot </a>make it easier since the eyes are already on the lenses. Great for hangovers.
This<a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/86114138/fork-bracelet"> fork bracelet</a> is a great way to let your beloved know you got your meat hooks into them.
No matter how much a guy likes a girl, he doesn't want to carry her purse. He also doesn't want to carry all her junk if she decides not to bring a purse. <a href="http://www.sholdit.com/">The stylish Sholdit scarf</a> has a zippered compartment that can hold her lipstick, license, phone and other things she may need -- even a change of underwear.
This Guy Loves His Wife
What good is loving someone if the world doesn't know it? That's why we have jumbotron proposals. <a href="http://www.crazydogtshirts.com/this-guy-loves-his-wife-shirt.html">This T-shirt</a> is prefect for the guy who knows he has a good thing and wants people to envy him for his choice of woman (if not his choice of shirts)
Mace Pepper Gun
When you love someone, you want them to be safe when you're not there to protect them. This <a href="https://www.obaz.com/game/featured/1026/0">pink pepper spray gun</a> can help a man feel that his woman is OK even when he's not there. She'll love the feeling that he cares enough to pick a color-coordinated self defense weapon.
Big Hot Dog
If the way to a man's heart may be through his stomach, then the woman who gives her fella <a href="http://www.bighotdog.com/">a 7 lb. hot dog</a> is either sending a message of love or the message, "I want you to have a coronary."
Valentine's Day is usually associated with hearts, but since boobs are fairly close to that organ, this<a href="http://gravelandgold.com/shop/featured/boobs-pillowcase/"> boob pillowcase</a> could be a titillating gift for the breast man in your life.
World's Best Lover
This <a href="http://www.warmtradition.com/Warm-Tradition-Worlds-Transparent-Bottle/dp/B00BBFPLHA">hot water bottle</a> is, quite possibly, the least sexy way to let your lover know you admire their amorous abilities. Buy one for yourself just in case your Valentine isn't impressed with the gift. It will keep you warm on cold nights.
Uncle Don's Exotic interludes
<a href="http://exoticinterludes.com/about.html">This game,</a> which has been tested and approved by porn stars like Nina Hartley and Lexi Love, is designed to foster "an exotic journey to Fantasyland." Certainly, if your ideal Valentine's Day ends with an orgy, this may be the gift that keeps on giving. One lingering question may remain after the game: Who the hell is Uncle Don?
Toaster That Creates Anatomically Correct Sex Organs
What is the problem facing sandwiches these days? The lack of anatomically explicit sex organs on them, silly. For only $29.95,<a href="http://www.burntimpressions.com/wordpress/?page_id=291"> these toasters</a> allow to demonstrate ... oh, man, I can't even go there.
Heart-shaped Cremation Urn
Sadly, not everyone's Valentine is living. But this <a href="http://www.cremation-urns-legacy.com/c-13-cremation-jewelry.aspx">heart-shaped cremation urn</a> allows people with a deceased love to carry a small amount of their cremains with them at all times. Or, if you prefer, some cherry-flavored Pixie stix instead.
Heart-shaped Cookie Molds With Talons
For such a vital organ, the heart can be hurt so easily. These <a href="http://zandapanda.com/HurtsSoGood-ValentineCookie.jpg">cookie molds</a> demostrate the glory and pain of love by featuring the heart surrounded by talons. It's the perfect way to tell a lover to proceed at their own risk.
Love You Red Periodic Table Cotton Pillow
Love is elemental to human survival, but who knew that the chemical symbols for uranium, lutetium and vanadium could be combined in such a <a href="https://www.etsy.com/listing/65737736/valentine-love-you-red-periodic-table">romantic pillow?</a> Someone who did better in science class than me, that's who!
Twitten Gloves For Couples
<a href="http://www.thetwitten.com/">These gloves</a> are made for couples to wear on cold days. In case, you can't tell which glove belongs to the man, there is the helpful image of a sperm on it while the female glove has an egg on it. When the thread sperm touches the fabric egg ... nothing happens. Don't worry. It's the safest alternative to sex hipsters can have.
Solid Ash Toilet with Accessories
If you've got $10,000 to flush down the toilet for Valentine's Day, the toilet might as well cost $10K as well. <a href="http://www.build.com/herbeau-5501-powder-room-collection-dagobert-solid-ash-toilet-with-accessories/p562717">This solid ash commode</a> also plays "Le Bon Roi Dagobert" when the lid is raised and the flush is accompanied by the ringing of the bell. Accessories include a candle holder and an ashtray.
Steve Jobs may have revolutionized phones, but anyone who has tried to use the iPhone to open a beer knows he didn't go far enough. <a href="http://www.west280.com/shop/iOpener.php">The iOpener</a> corrects that major goof by including the opener in the phone case, and makes drunk dialing more efficient than ever before.
Be careful which lips you apply this lipstick to, ladies, because <a href="http://www.screamingo.com/lipstick-vibe.html#back">it's really a vibrator.</a> Of course, once your friends in the powder room find out your secret, the whole room could start buzzing with excitement.
Really Big Wine Glass
There are people who love wine and there are people who want the whole freaking bottle to themselves. But chugging straight from the bottle lacks panache so this <a href="http://www.wayfair.com/Wine-Enthusiast-Oversized-Wine-Glass-Cork-Holder-193-22-01-WINE1101.html">oversized wine glass</a> adds a touch of class to your alcohol abuse. Of course,the company that makes this sees this as a novelty vase or something, but that's their problem, not ours.
Lifesize Zombie Valentine's Day Card
There are words of love and affection that only sound good when said by a zombie. "I love your mind" is not one of them. Still, <a href="http://www.bigfunnycards.com/valentines-day-cards.php">this lifesize zombie Valentine's Day card</a> is the perfect one for anyone with half a brain. Literally, only half a brain.
VerSpanken Male Sex Toy
VërSpanken markets itself as the first male sex toy that lets the user customize their experience by varying things like pressure, textures, temperature and techniques with an easy clean up. It takes a special woman to say, "Here, Honey, I love you. Go spank!" Possibly too special.
If your lover is game for anything, <a href="http://isabellascookies.com/joannie-loves-chachi-gift-box.html">these cookies that come shaped like Scrabble tiles </a>will score points with them. Not as many as if the word "love" included an "x" or a "q," but blame the people that invented that word, not the cookie makers. Extra points if you use these while actually playing Scrabble.