Ah!

It's hot! It's a bazillion degrees outside!*

*hyperbole

90 degrees in april

It's hotter than your laptop that time you left it running on your bed and came home to find that it was, like, so hot and you had to find your roommate and make them touch it just so they knew that you weren't lying.

"But wait!" you say, "It is only April!"

This is true! It's suppose to be the beginning of spring -- the month that produces showers which, as we know, bring along with it flowers. And yet, here we are, basking baking in the glow of early onset summer disorder.

Because this is the case, the heat can be narrowed down to two things: Either the "weather gods" hate D.C. or the year 2013 has been shortened and we went from March right into July (in which case, I totally missed the fireworks on the 4th and I'm pissed about it).

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  • The Heat vs. North Korea

  • Conspiracy Theory Heat Wave!

  • Add this to the conspiracy theories?

  • Science Fail

  • Not sure she understands what "unbearable" means...

  • Time to have a chat with the landlord.

Stepping out onto the sidewalk, where, at the current record setting temperature of 90 degrees, the proverbial egg can be fried, one can see tourists begin to wilt, lobbyists and politicians sweat straight through the umpteen thousand layers they wear to work, wax figures at Madame Tussauds meld into work more closely associated with Picasso, and one can hear almost everyone complaining.

I, for one, have decided to spend most of the day indoors for multiple reasons:

1. I work indoors. Therefore going outdoors would mean serious slacking off.

2. As anyone working in a climate controlled office can tell you, stepping outside the front door after 10 a.m. into 90 degree weather will cause you to melt immediately upon exposure.

3. Per the melting -- I prefer to remain in a solid human form rather than a liquid one.

4. I burn faster than D.C. renames neighborhoods.

Still, most of you will have to venture outdoors at some point. Because lists are totally in this year and I am dying to win your love and affection, here are some rules and guidelines you should abide by whilst grinning and bearing the heat:

1. Every person gets two minutes to complain about the heat. If you're with friends, make this rule known. Whenever someone begins to complain, remind them that they are on the clock, like a debate. Notify them when they only have 30 seconds remaining, it's the courteous thing to do.

When the two minutes are up for each person in the party, try a different topic of conversation. Where you are going to get brunch this weekend and what happened on TV last night are popular subjects.

2. Avoid exposure to the sun for prolonged periods of time. It's only April, that means you have not adjusted your suntan vs. sunburn inner clock just yet. It's understandable, your body has been confused by the extreme temperature change. To avoid unsightly sunburns, try a tactic which was recently found to prevent sun damage to skin in a one thousand year study on human exposure to the sun -- stay in the shade.

Also -- this thing called sunblock was recently invented. Use it.

3. Remember that it could be worse. Remember that Death Valley, Calif. is very hot. You should be grateful that the founding fathers decided against situating the capital of the United States in the middle of a desert over 250 feet below sea level.

Wait, the high temperature in Death Valley today is expected to reach 90 degrees?!

WHAT?!

Remember that Antarctica is very cold. You should be grateful that the founding fathers decided against situating the capital of the United States on a frozen continent thousands of miles from southern tip of Florida.

4. Cherish it. Next year when we have a freak snowstorm in the middle of April you'll be all like, "Hey remember when our faces melted off in the middle of April? Good times."

5. Stay indoors. This one seems easy, but it is tempting to go running out into the heat, screaming and hollering in excitement like small children at a Build-A-Bear Workshop, drawn out by the seemingly beautiful weather. But if you do, remember that soon you will be nothing more than a sweaty puddle, sizzling out in the middle of the national mall, without the energy to get up and walk inside somewhere or call out for help.

6. Drink lots of water. It will do wonders, like keep you hydrated.

But, hey, at least the evenings are nice and the cherry blossoms are in bloom. Right?

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  • X-Factor

    Nice pattern though.

  • Impenetrable To Everything But UV Rays

    It's worth the pain because this kid is gonna have the sweetest default pic on Facebook.

  • Bikini Tan

    Doesn't look too bad on him though.

  • Handprint

    Ouch.

  • Smiley Face

    That is actually pretty impressive. He should consider it for his next tattoo.

  • Back Burn

    This is why it's always important to have someone else apply sunblock to your back.

  • Thigh High Stockings

    Guy must've been wearing the same pair of skin-tight short shorts for a month to get a tan line like that.

  • Speedo FAIL

    Not sure what's worse: what he's wearing now, or the booty shorts he normally wears to the beach. Either way, it's clear what each looks like.

  • Alternate Bathing Suit

    We're glad he's gone the more traditional route today.

  • Rubin Vase

    This tan may be nature telling him to stop wearing whatever kind of shirt that is.

  • Belly Smile

    He seems a little too happy about this.

  • Champ Stamp?

    Pain and embarrassment should speak for themselves here.

  • How?

    Is that the shape of a shirt or just poor sunblock application?

  • Patterned Sunburn

    Actually looks kind of cool in a really painful way.

  • Bunny Ears

    That'll be interesting when she starts peeling.

  • Sore Feet

    Can't forget about your feet.

  • Hard To Reach Spot

    It is a really tough part of the back to get to. Never be afraid to ask for some sunblock help.

  • Tan Stripes

    Worn with honor.

  • Sleepy

    Clearly she passed out on the beach. Now she's passed out on the floor. After she buys some aloe, she should see a doctor about narcolepsy.

  • He Sucks

    This is why you don't shotgun 10 beers on the beach with your frat brothers.

  • Artistic Burn

    Further evidence that there are some spots on your back you just can't reach.

  • Nice Hat

    Oh, nevermind.

  • Neck Burn

    Can't forget the neck.

  • Nice Handwriting

    Surprisingly legible.

  • Which Way?

    Just draw two dots and that dangly red thing on the thumb, and he's got a hand turkey.

  • Hand On Your Shoulder

    Just don't leave it there that long.

  • Think There's Something On Your Back

    He must have nice friends.

  • Pretty Big Burn

    Size matters in this case.

  • Peace

    What a peace-loving way to burn half of the skin off your back.