The thief had us at "white girl wasted."
The owner of a recently stolen bicycle posted a photo of the bike thief's priceless apology, explaining: "3 nights ago my bike was stolen. It just turned up back in my yard this morning with this note... Ain't even mad."
Did we mention the apology included a coupon for a free chocolate lava crunch cake from Domino's Pizza? Sounds like a fair trade to us.