This dad needs a job -- badly. But until he gets one, his creative YouTube videos will keep you occupied.
In this video -- which shows a father Tom Cruising his child a la "Mission Impossible" over a bowl of candy -- one learns that Mom should never leave the children alone with Dad. The only thing that can come from it is mayhem, messes, and dated movie parodies.
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Beanie Babies, OUT. Plush mammaries, ovaries and testicles by <a href="http://iheartguts.com/shop/index.php?main_page=index&cPath=8">I Heart Guts</a>, IN. They come in a variety of colors so your freak child's room will at least match.
Teddy Bear Body Bags!
OK, Not Really
It's a washing machine-safe bag for Teddy. Still, we couldn't help but notice a bit of morbidity in "Teddy Needs a Bath!"
So you're training your baby to be a hipster, huh? Round this gift off with a trust-funded apartment in Brooklyn, soy milk, and biodegradable diapers.
It's important that your kid learns the pride and general enjoyment of having mounted heads on his or her wall early.
You want your children to go to college? Stop telling them they need to get good grades and find a career, and give them a real college experience early on: a giant version of beer pong that features buckets instead of keg cups. What liquid do you fill them with? You be the judge, but please don't get arrested.
Don't stare into its eyes too long. It will try to reach into your soul.
No good child is complete without a nervous tick or complex brought on by a deep-rooted fear of inanimate objects. <a href="http://www.numbersalive.org/">NumbersAlive!</a> gives a face to your favorite numbers, which is horrifying.
Awww, look at wittle Heisenberg and his wittle meth cook outfit! Breaking Bad plush dolls are awesome, we'll admit, but should your kids own them? Yes, actually. They'll be chemists in no time.
Readers are always asking us, "I want to line my child's wall with anthropomorphized soft cylinders, but which ones should I get?" Here you go. Thank us later.
Son, I told you not to eat the cupcakes before dinner. You know the consequence for your actions. Thirty minutes in the Thinking Putty.
You can play a game with fake baloney, we hear. It appears to be some sort of twisted home economics lesson with no reward of a sandwich at the end.
Time To Get Alternative!
Forget Bratz, your child was <em>made</em> to start their own alternative clique at school. This pink-haired monkey is a lesson in fashion.