DETROIT
05/11/2013 01:49 pm ET | Updated May 13, 2013

Subaru Craigslist Ad Is Brutally, Hilariously Honest About Used Car's Unusual Qualities

Craigslist

This might be one of our favorite Craigslist ads of all time. Not for what's being sold -- a 1996 Subaru Outback with almost 300,000 miles is probably near the very bottom of things we want to buy online, just above a life-size Hannibal Lecter and used belly button rings. But the seller's flair and his Subaru's totally unique special qualities almost make us want to buy the car, or "The Toad," as it's lovingly nicknamed.

We've seen some other admirable vehicle listings in our time, like this inspiring bike ad and the Pontiac Grand Am posting that promises its buyer an experience "better than your last four romantic encounters, combined." But rather than get all hyperbolic, the Detroit-based seller's genius relies on total, hilarious honesty:

Check engine light has been on for about 200,000 miles. My dad put a piece of black electrical tape over it, but that fell off two summers ago, and a bumblebee got stuck on the piece of tape when it was laying on the dashboard and carried it away.

Fortunately, there are "good" qualities:

If you're a parent considering buying and fixing up this car for a teenager in your house who imagines they'll use it to go to the local drive-in theater with a cute boy / girl and let their hormones run wild, rest assured, this car is an automotive chastity belt. I mean, look at it. Every part of the car is shaped and styled like the least attractive parts of the human anatomy. The back is too small to lay down in, the rear seats are contoured in such a way as to make love-making impossible, and the center console is loaded with enough protuberances and jagged edges that necking could lead to a visit to the emergency room. This car is the anti-boner, its pastel paint job and fabric interior dousing any hormonal flames. Trust me on this, I drove this car for four years. Your teenager will experience a baffling streak of abstinence when they drive this car, to their frustration, and your relief.

The car also smells like blueberries, has been known to turn vegetarians into meat-eaters and has "The Godfather" soundtrack stuck in the tape deck. What a rare find.

Do you have what it takes to steer this teal, rusty "automotive chastity belt," previously owned by the seller's hippie parents? Check out the original ad on Craigslist or head to the "non-scary part of Detroit" to see The Toad in all its magnificence. Be warned though: if you pester the poster with questions answered in the ad, you're going to get a surprising email in response.

UPDATE: May 13 -- Unfortunately, the original Craigslist posting was flagged for removal, but we hope the Subaru still finds a good home.

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