POLITICS
05/28/2013 04:05 pm ET Updated May 28, 2013

Primo Barack Obama/Reggie Love Benghazi Slashfic Briefly Mistaken For Journalism

AP

As you've probably heard, the United States intervened in a big rebellion in Libya, and as a consequence, a bunch of Americans, including U.S. Ambassador Chris Stevens, were killed. Now, Congress is fervently attempting to prove that a bunch of different agencies committed The Next Watergate when they quibbled, via email, about a set of talking points related to the attack. This is because it's much, much easier to scandalmonger about interagency skullduggery than it is to officially question the wisdom of the intervention in the first place -- because hey, what if someone wants to also give lethal weapons to a bunch of sketchy rebels in Syria? That could have a "chilling effect" on further fun military misadventures.

But the good news is that the Benghazi-gate got a nice, new dose of super-fun "questions" being "raised." For instance, what if, on the night that the U.S. diplomatic mission in Benghazi was under attack, President Barack Obama zooted up a bunch of cocaine and then dialed up former "body man" Reggie Love on his "Bang With Friends" app and they retired to the White House residence to get all DTF with each other?

That's the notion that this guy named Kevin DuJan is putting forward, with the help of America's foremost source of hot, sexy whistleblowing, "my friend Justine from California," who apparently read a Rich Lowry article and teamed up with DuJan to write some awesome Obama derangement syndrome fan fiction:

After reading Lowry's article, my good friend Justine in California emailed me to ask whether I thought Obama was having sex with Reggie Love during the "missing hours" and if that's where he was. Justine was an actress and model in Los Angeles back in the late-1970s and ran in the same circles as friends of closeted gay men like Rock Hudson ... so her first instinct with Obama and Benghazi is that he and Reggie Love were getting at it and Obama didn't want to be disturbed.

I think Obama doing cocaine is a much better explanation for his missing hours, simply because at his age and with all the men he's been with it's not like he couldn't just stop romancing Reggie for a little bit ... and then get back to it when they were in Vegas. ...

However, once you take drugs you are pretty much on another astral plane for however long it takes for the drugs to leave your system.

And if video surfaces of Obama rocking it "on another astral plane" while he watches Chris Stevens get killed, that's game over, you must impeach. That's just logic.

Unless of course, no one was meant to take this seriously. Per DuJan:

I would gladly retract this story if the White House would sufficiently explain Barack Obama's whereabouts during those missing hours and prove he was not out of his mind on cocaine at the time (or gluttonously engaged in gay sex, as my friend Justine believes).

Ah, so maybe this was all just a weird attempt at trolling that everyone was supposed to ignore.

But unfortunately, Dean "Unskew The Polls" Chambers thought that Justine from California was making a lot of sense, so he penned a piece for the Examiner website taking the whole shebang quite seriously:

While our consulate in Benghazi was attacked during the night of September 11 of last year, our fearless leader was allegedly hiding away somewhere getting "high as a kite" on cocaine. This is the speculation of Kevin DuJan, a self-described "gay conservative political analyst" writing for a publication called HillBuzz. DuJan states that his claim, which he appears to make based on knowledge and experience of drug addicts, explains the president being missing for most of the evening during the attack on Benghazi.

Someone with a few spare ounces of common sense at the Examiner has since taken the story down (the good folks at Wonkette have screencapped it for posterity), but I think we all know the lesson here is that Justine from California's political slashfic is viral gold, so send her all your journalism bitcoins immediately.

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