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08/20/2013 10:34 am ET

15 Signs You're Ted Zarillo Of Naperville, Illinois (PHOTOS)

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Are you Ted Zarillo of Naperville, Illinois? If you find yourself relating to this stuff, then you probably are.

1. You live at 335 Gleason Drive.
small house

2. Your parents are Leslie and Bill Zarillo.
older couple

3. You wear a size 10.5 shoe.
old sneakers

5. You drive a white 1997 Toyota Corolla.
1997 corolla

6. Your social security number is 315-05-814x
social security number

7. You have a birthmark shaped like a fishhook on your inner thigh.
thigh

8. You currently have $454.28 in your checking account.
atm

9. You hate onions.
onion

10. You peed your pants on the third grade class field trip, which is something you never told anyone.
urine pants

11. Jenny Hartworth rejected your invitation to the seventh grade winter dance, which is also something you never told anyone.
girl locker

12. You wear the same dumb shirt almost every day.
polo shirt

13. You've developed a growing dissatisfaction with your highly mediocre life.
depressed man

14. You suspect your wife is cheating on you.
couple silhouette

15. You command little to no respect from everyone you meet.
annoyed

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