Yeah, yeah, we've heard it all before: "No, seriously dude, my ex is CRAZY." And maybe you're right. Just remember that no matter how much he texts you, no matter how much she shows up on your doorstep in the rain at 1 a.m. -- your ex STILL isn't as crazed as these whack-a-doos.
1. Elizabeth Segundo McClain
After her boyfriend of three years, Ryan Boyd, broke up with her, this 22-year-old from Austin allegedly didn't waste any time unleashing her inner crazy. Boyd's phone records show McClain called him up to 750 times a day and sent between 20 - 100 daily text messages, threatening to make his life miserable.
She also sent him some blank text messages. You know, just to show that she was thinking about him.
It wasn't until three months after the break-up, though, that police say McClain really took things to the next level. In November 2012, she allegedly drove to the home of Boyd's mother and ran over the woman -- who, thankfully, survived -- with her car.
2. Daniel Anaya
This New Mexico shoe salesman is accused of breaking into his ex-girlfriend's home in February and asking to smell her feet, because apparently the foot smell of his clientele was not enough.
The woman said no, but that allegedly didn't stop Anaya from grabbing her foot and chomping down to the bone, biting off a chunk of her left big toe.
So why had the woman broken up with this guy to begin with? Months earlier, she says, he had tried to bite off her other big toe.
3. Brenda Schumann
OK, so this Florida lady was technically still married when she walked in on her husband with another woman last January, but we imagine she became an ex rather quickly when she allegedly responded by pooping on the floor, then going an on armed rampage through the house.
After both urinating and defecating on the floor, the 51-year-old grabbed a rifle and began to annihilate the home's mirror, pictures and Christmas decorations, her husband said.
When questioned about her activities, cops say Schumann posed the question, "I found him in bed with a naked chick; what was I supposed to do?"
4. Shareyll Hunter
Seriously, don't let your ex drive anywhere near your loved ones. This 26-year-old Houston woman was pregnant when cops say she deliberately smashed her car into her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend -- who was also pregnant -- pinning her against the wall of a house.
The victim had to have her foot amputated, but her unborn child was OK. The man in the midst of this love triangle seemed pretty nonchalant about the whole thing.
"They just don't like each other," he told a local news station in March. "I don't know if it's because of me or what. I mean, I am pretty handsome."
5. The Man In The Attic
They say that on some level, your loved ones will always be with you.
For a South Carolina woman named "Tracy," that level is the attic. Last September, Tracy discovered the mysterious noises she heard coming from above her bedroom ceiling were actually caused by her ex-boyfriend.
The pair had split more than 12 years ago, but after his release from jail, he apparently thought it would be a good plan to sneak into Tracy's home and make camp in the attic.
Oh yeah, he also rigged the ceiling vents so he could watch his former lover from above.
Also on HuffPost:
Lubed Up And Locked Up
Barbara Hall was involved in a bedroom romp with her boyfriend when he asked her if she had brought PAM cooking spray, which he wanted to use as lubricant. However, Hall thought he was referring to an ex-girlfriend of his named Pam, and she allegedly flew into a jealous rage, punching him repeatedly and heaving objects at his head. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/14/barbara-hall-pam-cooking-spray-sex-assault-florida_n_1597702.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
Sucker For A Deal
Crystal Frantzen allegedly gave Gary Tipton oral sex in a gas station parking lot in order to get a "better deal" on a Cadillac he was selling. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/27/crystal-frantzen-gary-tipton-oral-sex-better-deal-car_n_2962844.html?1364393996" target="_blank">Read the whole story here.</a>
Menage a TERROR
Mindi and David Rice were engaging in a three-way with a female friend, but when MIndi noticed David was giving the friend a little too much attention, she allegedly reached for a revolver. The ensuing madness ended with gunfire, SWAT team involvement and a police tasing. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/04/mindi-david-rice-threeway-gunshots-swat-team_n_1855310.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
A Knife To Remember
<a href="http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/woman-pulls-knives-at-threesome-682451" target="_hplink">Valerie Nile was accused</a> of pulling out several knives after allegedly threatening her neighbors when the threesome she had planned with them never materialized. This incident took place January 2012 in Knox County, Maine. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/25/valerie-nile-threesome-knives_n_2552540.html">Read our story here.</a> <em><strong>CORRECTION</strong>: A previous version of this slide incorrectly states that the incident took place in Knox County, Tenn. It took place in Knox County, Maine.</em>
More Cushion For The Pushin'
Talk about a love seat. Gerard Streator was allegedly caught having sex with a couch on the side of the road. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/24/gerard-streator-sex-with-couch_n_1909699.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
Dude, Where's My Dildo?
Arteesha Donaldson became upset when she lost her "detachable latex penis," cops say, which caused an argument between Donaldson and her girlfriend. The fight allegedly ended with Donaldson chucking at ironing board. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/27/arteesha-donaldson-south-carolina-assault-sex-toy-detachable-penis_n_2200389.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
Don't Come Quickly
Racquel Gonzalez was allegedly none too pleased when her boyfriend orgasmed and she didn't. She allegedly responded by scratching and hitting him, which caused him to call 911. The cops came not a moment too soon. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/27/racquel-gonzalez-esric-davis-orgasm-assault-sex_n_2200096.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
Japanese porn star Uta Kohaku asked her fans on Twitter to donate their sperm as part of an erotic film titled "Semen Collection 2." She received over 100 bottles in less than 10 days. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/27/uta-kohaku-japanese-porn-semen_n_2366349.html">Read more about it here.</a>
Tyshinia Love Brewster was working as a prison guard when she allegedly had sex with one of the inmates at the facility and became pregnant with his baby. Brewster was charged with third-degree rape, since inmates cannot legally give consent. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/21/tyshinia-love-brewster-prison-guard-pregnant-rape_n_2733481.html?1361462977">Read the whole story here.</a>
Did Somebody Say McCreepy?
Sukhbir Singh was banned from every single McDonalds restaurant in England after being caught spying on women using toilets at the fast food establishment. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/20/sukhbir-singh-banned-from-mcdonalds_n_2165471.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
Sex, Guns, And Moving Cars
Amanda Linscott allegedly pulled a gun on a man while the two were having sex in a moving car. The man punched her in the face, but not before losing control of the vehicle and crashing into a palm tree. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/12/amanda-linscott-gun-sex-moving-car_n_1877198.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
Penis Stolen By Thieves
Fei Lin told law enforcement officials that men, believed to be jealous lovers of women Lin had bedded, broke into his home at night, cut off his penis, and stole it. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/24/fei-lin-penis_n_1699017.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
S&M aficionado Frankie Santiago was submissive -- until she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her. Santiago allegedly began sending the man a slew of menacing text messages and was charged with stalking, criminal mischief and harassment. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/16/frankie-santiago-edward-sonderling_n_1791567.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
We've All Been There
A Munich man had to flee to police when a woman he was sleeping with demanded too much sex. He told officials that he and the woman had sex several times, but when he said he was through for the night, she refused to let him leave and insisted they keep doing it. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/13/man-flees-after-too-much-sex_n_1423530.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
Dinner And A Show
Jeremie Calo and Tiffanie Lynn Barganier were apprehended while allegedly having sex on a restaurant table in full view of other patrons, including children. Calo also allegedly refused to pay his $101 bill, writing the restaurant a check that contained only the word "NO." <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/17/jeremie-calo-tiffani-lynn-barganier-restaurant-table-sex_n_1974199.html">Read the whole story here.</a>
Man Cuts Off Penis, Forgets To Bring It To Hospital
A Chinese man who cut off his own penis because of frustration at the fact that he didn't have a girlfriend was left in such incredible agony that he decided to cycle to a hospital for treatment. But when he arrived doctors told him they couldn't help him – and ordered him to cycle back home again to get the penis before he could be treated.