Denim on Denim Joanna: Everyone's been afraid to say it until now: babies look weird in jeans. It's just a fact. Dad wins.
Carol: Gotta go with the baby. First of all, dad should know better than to double-up on denim. Second, at least the baby had the good sense to go with a much lighter blue shirt.
Ross: Uh, hey baby: A tailor, ever heard of one? I don't know what's considered acceptable in the maternity ward, but you're in the big leagues now. Those loose-fitting jeans are not a good look. Dad wins by default.
WINNER: Dad and his loving stare
Florals Joanna: The woman on the right has a quiet dignity that really makes this floral ensemble shine. The woman on the left thinks this is all a big joke.
Carol: Never wear florals when there's an actual flower behind you rocking it for real. Both lose.
Ross: Floral chic is definitely in fashion amongst the octogenarian set this year. I'll go ahead and trust Tyra's judgment for these two.
WINNER: The flower in the background. You can't beat the real thing.
Spots Joanna: The dog's outfit is too matchy-matchy.
Carol: Dog's face says it all. This lady is wearing the band t-shirt to see the band. Go home and change.
Ross: What's going on here is clear. This woman was unable to control her dalmatian, so started wearing its fur as a threat. "I could really go for a new pair of boots… It would be a shame if you made a mess on the carpet again, Pongo." The woman wins for being assertive and tactical about what she wants. Third metric.
WINNER: Women everywhere
Hawaiian Shirts For Everyone Joanna: Leis: check. Sunglasses: check. Plastic bucket--whoa whoa whoa-- only one brave little boy went there and he's the only one truly committed in this family.
Carol: Boy on the left had the wontons to tuck his shirt, rock some cargos and part his hair down the middle. The shirt says "one of them" but his swagger says "I'm my own man." Big points.
Ross: Impossible to choose. I'll leave it up to the judge of the Spuds McKenzie Lookalike Contest they're all headed to.
WINNER: Bucket boy. If you notice, there are five people but only four suitcases. He forgot his and is just being resourceful.
Matching Robes and Big Hair Joanna: The guy on the right seems to be slowly questioning all his life choices. So guy on the left wins for blindly going along with whatever this is.
Carol: The guy on the far left took off before this picture was taken. Winner.
Ross: You don't have to dress up like Horshack to get a massage from John Travolta, but it doesn't hurt. The winner is Gabe Kaplan.
WINNER: It's a tie between Gabe Kaplan and the guy who got the heck out of there
Union Jack T-Shirts Joanna: On our way to Downton Abbey, are we ladies? If you're going to wear a Union Jack it has to be an entire suit or nothing. They both lose.
Carol: I call it for the girl on the right. Thumbs up for modesty in an immodest world.
Ross: Oh, sure, just rub in our faces that we just lost Parliament's support. I arbitrarily choose the girl on the left in hopes that she can convince her friend to trade in the Union Jack for a T-shirt of a bald eagle breathing fire on Assad's house while he's flossing.
WINNER: Queen Elizabeth II
Joanna: The woman on the right didn't put on this outfit to make friends. Her attitude definitely sells it.
Carol: Strongly agree with Joanna. The "are you f*cking kidding me right now" face always wins.
Ross: This is obviously some kind of time travel movie where a woman was instructed not to encounter her past self but accidentally does anyway. By necessity I choose the past self for originating the outfit choice.
WINNER: "Future" office lady and all that sass
Pretty in Pink Joanna: Apparently none of these girls could even be bothered to put on shoes. But whatever, it's a four-way tie between the three girls dangerously playing on top of a bookshelf and the girl thinking about escaping out the window.
Carol: Are these all that woman's kids? No one wins, if so. However, I imagine the one girl at the shelf is grabbing a book on overpopulation, so I'll give it to her.
Ross: I strongly agree with Joanna. The girl thinking about escaping the clone farm is definitely the winner. She probably sees a Gymboree down there and is already thinking about how to accessorize.
WINNER: The rogue toddler, determined to escape while her mother's watching a cat video.
Polka Dots Joanna: The woman on the left took a huge risk when she put on that hat. Perhaps the biggest mistake of her life.
Carol: The hat sucks, but the "Mean Girls" look on the woman on the right's face is the worst accessory of all.
Ross: Yes, the lady on the right definitely wins for offering to wipe the smirk off the other woman's face.
WINNER: *Angry cat sounds**
Sombreros Joanna: This dog thinks he can go around shirtless with just a sombrero? That's bold.
Carol: The dog's expression transcends this bad idea. He'll go far.
Ross: I can't even concentrate on who wore this better since now I desperately want this to be the poster for the most successful Mexican family film of all time.
WINNER: El Perro Mas Guapo