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11/11/2013 01:46 pm ET

7 Uncomfortably Honest Things You Discover When Sober At Parties

Flickr: merfam

This piece by A-Mac comes to us courtesy of BroBible, where it was originally published.

It’s a rare and s**tty occasion, but we sometimes have to be sober at social gatherings. We have to awkwardly stand around and drink straight Mountain Dew (no chaser!) while all the idiots we call "friends" get s**thoused and have the time of their lives. We might have to drive home later, or wake up early for that God-forsaken dentist appointment, or go hang out with out-of-town relatives we don’t even like. Regardless, it’s a sad reality we all must face every once in a Blue Moon with an orange peel.

But when you’ve got a clear enough head to see your friends drunkenly engaging in shenanigans, you notice how alcohol affects many aspects of the human condition. So many bizarre social dynamics come with everyone being absurdly inebriated around each other.

Here are some things I’ve noticed during my scattered tenure of sobriety over the years that we don’t really talk about because, well, we were too drunk to remember:

The “Drunk Party Friend” Phenomenon

Because I can’t write an entire article without dropping at least one movie reference, I will now provide two. When Woody Harrelson joined the Flint Tropics in "Semi-Pro," Will Ferrell told him the team motto, "E.L.E.: Everybody Love Everybody." When Edward Norton in "Fight Club" strikes up short acquaintances with other passengers on his business flights, he calls them single-serving friends: you meet, enjoy each other’s company for the length of the flight, then never see each other again.

Both of these perfectly describe this dumb concept of blind friendliness. You’re hammered at a party and make your way over to the keg. The dude in front of you is bros with your high school friend’s cousin who you met once in 10th grade for five minutes. Your brain, obviously operating at maximum capacity, absorbs this information and retorts, “Christ on a bike, I have one completely insignificant thing in common with this guy; therefore, he is my new best friend.” Hours of dapping up and comradery ensue until everyone is kicked out and you go your separate ways.

You see your new best friend around campus, talk to him for 1.5 minutes, and realize he’s a wet sandwich with a condescending aura that follows him around like a crop dust. A dude that’s cool to party with but otherwise unbearable—such is the experience of the “drunk party friend” phenomena.

The Riot Punch/Skippys Sucks

Growing up I always heard the saying, “Beer before liquor makes you sicker.” Nobody listens to that shit even if it is valid most of the time. People will drink whatever is put in front of them in any given order they desire. The strategy is to worry about your stomach’s volatile pyrotechnics later.

When the hosts are generous enough to concoct multiple batches of Riot Punch or Skippys, it’s a safe bet that 9 out of 10 times it will end up tasting like straight-up alcohol, which defeats the purpose of mixed drinks. If you’re lucky enough, and by lucky I mean drunk, you’ll either not taste it or not care. If you plan on having just one drink before doing whatever it is you have to do sober, just stick with the Mountain Dew we talked about. At least that’s somewhat enjoyable.

The Serious Pick-up Attempts are Genuinely Hilarious

From faking an Australian accent to asking a girl if she’s found your library card, we’ve heard every pick-up line under the sun. They’re hysterical because they’re pathetic and sad, which is ironically the same reason we use them on girls in the first place. When being cool isn’t working out, we resort to the “I’m a weird, awkward loser” persona as the night gets later and everyone gets lonelier.

The most fun thing to do when you’re Sober Sally is cunningly convince your drunk friends to approach as many girls as possible and spout off these ridiculous lines—the more ridiculous the better. My friends really enjoy the offensive, “Honey, do you like pie? Because you make my banana cream.” They usually shout this one from a distance to avoid the potential pissed off roided-up BF or high heel kick to the genitals.

You Can Be the Hero

“The responsible one” is a label that should be more positive. It doesn’t necessarily mean you never have fun. It just means you’re not a dumbass, which is a strong quality that’s surprisingly scarce on this big blue Earth. It’s a characteristic that holds more stock at a party because it makes you stand out as the guy to go to if there’s a serious problem.

Being the completely clear-minded individual among an incapacitated crowd provides plenty of opportunities for heroism. You can be the mediator, game referee, DJ, or general controller of quality. And in a darker sense, you could save the life of some high school kid who was in way over his head. The world is your oyster.

Read the rest over at BroBible.

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