Dear reader, we know you're a tightly wound bundle of misanthropic hatred. It's the season of cheer and goodwill toward mankind, but yours is a darker calling -- you are a soldier in the "War on Christmas"! This holiday fills you with such disgust, you'd sooner stick your tongue to a frozen metal pole than see others enjoy their ridiculous celebrations. (Or maybe you're just disappointed. We're with you there.)
But wishing others a "Happy Holiday," decorating "holiday trees," or opting for a more inclusive or non-denominational holiday season doesn't kill the spirit, despite what Fox News would lead you to believe. If you want to wage a proper war on all things shiny and bright, you'll follow these Grinch-tastic steps.
Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.
1. Respond to Christmas newsletters by correcting the sender's grammar.
To guarantee your exclusion from the Jones family's holiday card mailing list for years to come, make sure to send a reply pointing out every comma splice, "you're" vs. "your" confusion, and needless capitalization. Was the family portrait Photoshopped? Did someone gloss over young Timmy's near-expulsion from school this year? Call that shit out. Then bestow a final letter grade.
2. Don't bake anything...
Or over-bake everything, then show up to the church fundraiser with cookies that look like this. Fry, sauté, steam, broil and grill to your heart's content. After all, that thing beating inside your chest is two sizes too small to bake anything with real love, let alone share whatever goodness you made. It's for yourself, duh.
3. Don't tip any of these hard-working individuals.
There are a number of people, say the etiquette guides, who should receive a little extra monetary gift simply for doing their jobs! It's ludicrous. Why tip your au pair when you've already given her the gift of so many wonderfully long hours spent with your darling children? Why tip your regular mailperson when you know all the antique mirrors you've been ordering have helped him get those killer biceps?
4. Be more like this person...
Snow sculptures are even more fun when they help you ruin someone else's day. If you're not feeling so creative, simply shovel the sidewalk in a fun meandering squiggle pattern like an asshole.
5. Or be like these vandals who hated Christmas trees so much they went on an arboreal killing spree.
Stupid trees. Stupid farmers.
6. Throw a pagan Saturnalia party.
If you are moved to celebrate something this season, don't let it be Christmas. Let it be the thing that came before Christmas -- the winter solstice festival enjoyed by the Romans for a week in December, where people peer-pressured one another to eat and gamble too much, sing loudly, tell drunken stories, and maybe even kiss under mistletoe in worship to the Viking goddess Frigg. Oh, and some of the Romans also found it to be a great time to murder people -- while everyone else is preoccupied, of course.
7. Get all the lyrics wrong.
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, you'll go drown in Listerine! Sing it proud. Brown young virgin, mother and child. That'll teach them to invite you out caroling around the nursing home. Wreck the malls with cows on Harleys. This site and this book can help you learn some more of the
wrong right lyrics.
8. Don't bring the hostess a gift.
Just don't. Show up to her holiday party, eat, and leave. Don't talk to anyone. Definitely don't arrive with any small, thoughtful present to show your appreciation for the hospitality.
9. Steal all the red-and-green decor you can find.
Like this person who stole decorations off a home in California, or this person who also stole decorations off multiple homes in Virginia, or this woman who stole Mickey Mouse on a horse and some hugging penguins in Florida, or this person who stole a child's tree in Los Angeles, or this person who stole an eight-foot-tall snowman in Missouri, or this guy who stole some lights in Texas.
They're all doing it right.
10. Gift someone cleaning supplies or a Whitman's sampler.
Imagine the thoughtful message a diet book sends your sister-in-law, or how much your Jewish friends would appreciate a nativity figurine. You could gift a new divorcee a book called "Cooking for One," or a t-shirt printed with the Fourth Amendment in metallic ink to a frequent flyer. And you know your techie friends all want a Blackberry this year.
11. Watch this video with glee, then pass it around to all your friends who like Christmas.
Created by the National Institute of Standards and Technology, here we see what happens when lights on a Christmas tree spark and catch fire -- fully engulfing the room in a terrifying 48 seconds. Nobody is safe ... except for you, you treeless genius.
12. Break up with someone.
Do you really enjoy this person's company more than your own? Didn't think so. We are entering the second-highest peak breakup season -- right behind spring break -- so no one can fault you, really. Just think of it as one less holiday present you have to buy.
13. Make a playlist consisting solely of "Christmas Shoes" by New Song.
This isn't just the worst Christmas song -- it's one of the worst songs that's ever been recorded. EVER. You see, she's been sick for quite a while, and I know these shoes would make her smile. Seriously? At the end there's even a children's choir, in case you didn't already feel cheaply manipulated. And then Lifetime went and dragged Rob Lowe into a 100-minute MOVIE VERSION of this nauseating holiday sap.