Instagram debuted direct messaging this week, making many tweeters wonder what kind of pictures need to be privately messaged rather than posted publicly. Comedian Sara Schaefer took a guess: "Very excited to hear the news about Instagram direct. I’ve always wanted to try out Kelvin on my junk." Yes Ms. Schaefer, that would definitely be one for a private message.
In other news blowing up the Twittersphere this week, Fox News host Megyn Kelly declared on air that Santa Claus must be white. Writer and producer, Eliza Bayne, was not positive about Santa Claus' race, but definitely knew his nationality: "Santa may or may not be white, but with his obesity problem he's definitely American."
The great Santa Claus debate came to a close Friday morning when Queen Bey dropped a surprise album and made Christmas come early for everyone. Allison Davis put all of the rumors to rest when she tweeted: "The world woke up to a new, surprise Beyonce album. So, Santa IS black, and apparently, Santa is Beyonce."
For more great tweets from women, click through the gallery below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
I must be getting my period because I've been craving chocolate for, like, the last 39 years.
— Melissa Sher (@thismelissasher) December 10, 2013
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
— kie (@thekierausman) December 10, 2013
"Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas"
— Lise Keeney (@LadybugLise) December 10, 2013
Stop trying so hard, Instagram. I just want a place to showcase my shitty sunset pics and the food I order at mediocre restaurants.
— Kate Spencer (@katespencer) December 12, 2013
Instagram debuted private messaging. They decided to call it Instagram Direct rather than their first choice Hey Look! It's My Dick.
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) December 12, 2013
Santa may or may not be white, but with his obesity problem he's definitely American
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) December 12, 2013
I have a hard time deciding what to get people for Christmas. I think I'm deciding on excuses.
— Barbara Holm (@barbara_holm) December 12, 2013
Very excited to hear the news about Instagram direct. I’ve always wanted to try out Kelvin on my junk
— Sara Schaefer (@saraschaefer1) December 12, 2013
What's wrong. I'm just applying cream to my dry hands. Yes, it's Coffeemate; I'm not a snob.
— Ahm Seventysix (@Ahm76) December 12, 2013
#Beyonce's new album makes me think that Santa's actually probably a woman.
— Elizabeth Plank (@feministabulous) December 13, 2013
I just found a half of a cupcake in my purse.
— Sarah Colonna (@sarahcolonna) December 12, 2013
The world woke up to a new, surprise Beyonce album. So, Santa IS black, and apparently, Santa is Beyonce.
— Allison P Davis (@AllisonPDavis) December 13, 2013
"I like it but what if you had another song abut how good it feels having sex with me?" - Jay Z's studio notes
— Michelle Markowitz (@michmarkowitz) December 13, 2013
Kanye said he wants to make Kim a bigger star than Beyoncé... Oh my god Kanye is My Fair Ladying the shit out of Kim.
— Chelsea Davison (@chelsea_davison) December 13, 2013
Networking while drinking is customary but social networking while drinking is not a good idea. OK, GOT IT.
— Marina V. Shifrin (@MARINAvsTweets) December 12, 2013
The only thing that got me out of bed this morning was knowing I had a clean pair of pajama jeans set and ready to wear for the day
— Katina Corrao (@KatinaCorrao) December 13, 2013
this liquor store has a HOUSE made out of WINE BOXES. it's like the alcoholic version of Hansel and Gretel
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) December 10, 2013
I hated milk but Dad never let me leave the table til I drank it, so I'd just stare at it for hours. Rebels aren't born, they're made #tbt
— Livia Scott (@LiviaLove) December 12, 2013
I can't understand the difference between torture and having to wear a sports bra for more than a few hours.
— Rivka Rossi (@sofifii) December 8, 2013
My therapist casually mentioned "Brangelina" today and it made me feel weird
— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) December 13, 2013
On my way to therapy. Is there anything anyone would like me to bring up for them?
— Jenny Mollen (@jennyandteets) December 10, 2013