Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Watched my 4yo make a muffin and donut sandwich, and now I truly believe "the children are our future."
— Hunter Steele (@FatherWithTwins) January 22, 2014
Mom, my room is clean.
Great! I'll just have a quick look.
DON'T TOUCH MY CLOSET.
— Peyton Price (@Suburbanhaiku) January 25, 2014
4yo: "I'm not going to nursery tomorrow. I'm going to not feel very well"
Me: "How do you know?"
4yo: "I've told my brain to think it".
— Twitflup (@Twitflup) January 22, 2014
3: Did I get ready fast?
Me: It took you 18 minutes to brush your teeth and you forgot toothpaste
M: That’s twice as fast as yesterday
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 22, 2014
If anyone is ever looking for a good reason not to feed your kids junk food: mine is currently losing his sh*t bc his ice cream is cold.
— Amanda Clay (@newmomontheblog) January 22, 2014
Tessa, holding a piece of apple in her hand, is having a tantrum for apple. WHICH IS WHAT SHE IS ALREADY HOLDING IN HER HAND.
— Jessica (@jessicaesquire) January 22, 2014
Parenting with a boom box set to play "You Can't Always Get What You Want" when ostentatiously pressed with a gloved finger.
— Nicole Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe) January 25, 2014
Conscious parents know that an integral part of making a healthy dinner is preparing oneself for its inevitable rejection.
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) January 24, 2014
They say yoga is relaxing, but I find screaming "could you kids give me a damn minute to myself" 20x from downward dog to be a real drag.
— Aine Anisa (@AineAnisa) January 24, 2014
"Hang on, you've got cheese in your eye..." is something I have to say way more often than you'd think.
— Wendy (@maughammom) January 22, 2014
5 year old: "That's a big truck!"
"It's a moving truck."
"ALL TRUCKS MOVE."
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) January 21, 2014
"Mom! Look, I'm walking + running at the same time! Can you do this?" [Oh, you already know I busted out my Running Man. #stillfly]
— Nicole Blades (@NicoleBlades) January 22, 2014
I bought camo pants for my 6yo so now he won't wear anything else and also I can't find him anywhere
— snowjob (@canadasandra) January 22, 2014
I call my kids, "sunshine" because they cause premature aging.
— Vodka n Soul (@Vodkantots) January 21, 2014
"Mom, for your birthday I would like a new plane." It doesn't work that way, but nice try.
— Mommy Salami (@ladyestrogen) January 22, 2014
Excluding porn, I'm pretty sure every dad's worst nightmare would be seeing his daughter on The Bachelor.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) January 21, 2014
Everyone calls it a "playdate", but it feels more like a labordate to me.
— Faux Ma (@Faux_Ma) January 23, 2014
Things my kids have excitedly showed me in Minecraft: 2,905,451.
Things that were not seemingly identical pixelated blocks: 0.
— Linda (@Sundry) January 19, 2014
The "terrible twos" have nothing on the "fuck you for not buying me that thing fours".
— BackpackingDad (@BackpackingDad) January 23, 2014
"Seriously you sound like a baby" the 6 year old just told me when I lost the board game.
— India Hicks (@IndiaHicksStyle) January 23, 2014
11: Why do you pee with the door open?
Me: Habit bc when you were little I had to. Why are you in here?
This is why I'm insane.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) January 20, 2014
Nothing boosts your confidence like a toddler putting an elephant sticker on your belly and gleefully declaring, "They match!"
— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) January 25, 2014
As a parent in his late 30s, my favorite movies are the ones I can still understand after I've accidentally dozed off for a few minutes.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 25, 2014
My 3yo: "'Freaks Come Out at Night' is the best rap song ever."
He makes a good case, you guys.
— Daddy'sLittleMiracle (@daddyslilmiracl) January 21, 2014
Dr. Seuss books are wonderful. Unless you're trying to expedite your kids' bedtime process.
— LetMeStartBySaying (@LetMeStart) January 22, 2014
Gmail went down and MARK MY WORDS there will be a baby boom in 9 months.
— Melissa Sher (@thismelissasher) January 24, 2014