Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Read the latest batch below and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
"NO NO NO, NOT FAIR"
- Me, after my kids stayed up late last night and still got up at 6am on a Saturday
— Hunter Steele (@FatherWithTwins) February 22, 2014
My 5yo put up an entire basket of laundry by herself. All I had to do was hand her each item and say, "If it pleases your Majesty..."
— Robin O'Bryant (@robinobryant) February 19, 2014
Coming soon to the blog:
"Can Babies Have It All?"
— Daddy'sLittleMiracle (@daddyslilmiracl) February 22, 2014
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
— Teebone (@teeaysmith) February 16, 2014
Telling the kids about an early morning appt, the day before, is a good way to have no affect at all on the speed of their preparations.
— Carisa Miller (@mcarisa) February 17, 2014
My son's nap time is the weekend of my day.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) February 20, 2014
The best way to prepare for Parenting is to have employment history being a waiter, a maid and a private investigator.
— Faux Ma (@Faux_Ma) February 21, 2014
Note to my children in the future: When I made anything other than chicken nuggets or mac & cheese you would both literally cry. That's why.
— Amy Shearn (@amyshearn) February 21, 2014
"Dinner time! Dinner time! Dinner time!" "Yuck, it's cold."
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) February 16, 2014
I like to coax my son into eating food by eating all of his food.
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) February 21, 2014
I was going to eat some of my daughter's apple slices but she sneezed on them so I ate chocolate instead because I'm health-conscious.
— Wendy (@maughammom) February 19, 2014
If the 3yo's card counting skills are anything like his raisin counting I'm taking him to Vegas. He was right, one less than his brother.
— Mark, Sonny, & Luca (@sonnyandluca) February 21, 2014
PILOT: We are landing in NY. 4YO: That's where WE'RE going! (As if it was a total coincidence the plane was heading to the same place.)
— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) February 19, 2014
5 yr old daughter "Mom, I can say the alphabet backwards, watch!!!!! Z." Can't figure it out, says nothing else, walks out of room.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) February 16, 2014
What my kids use as a trampoline:
1) the couch
2) the bed
3) me if I lie down
What they don’t use as a trampoline:
1) our trampoline
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 21, 2014
6: We did a lot of exercises in gym for a test.
Me: Was it the President's yearly fitness test?
6: I don't think so. I didn't see him there.
— Viva La Moi (@vivalamoi448) February 20, 2014
Not now, kids.
Mommy's busy second guessing her imaginary decisions.
— Peach Vodka (@Vodkantots) February 15, 2014
Need a laugh? Have your three year old start a random conversation with Siri. You're welcome.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) February 17, 2014
"Daddy, what's an asshole?" "It's a nest of vampire donkeys living underground in a hole." #emergencyFutureAnswersForAccidentalCursing
— Adam Mordecai (@advodude) February 18, 2014
Instead of using a house alarm just make a doormat out of your kid's Lego blocks.
— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) February 21, 2014
it's hard to teach your kid patience when he keeps fucking interrupting you
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 18, 2014
Fatherhood is 80% trying not to get kicked, elbowed, kneed, or punched in the balls by your own kids.
— BackpackingDad (@BackpackingDad) February 22, 2014
My aha moment:
Me: "I need a break for a minute."
5: "But it's my job to entertain you."
She doesn't understand her job description.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) February 17, 2014
"Me need paci, me need candy" was on constant repeat in my car today. Me need headphones.
— Toulouse (@toulouseNtonic) February 19, 2014
By 7pm anything I ask my kids to do is followed by a silent "and for the love of the last shred of my sanity, just do it without complaint."
— LetMeStartBySaying (@LetMeStart) February 21, 2014
There's a kid cuddling with me... it's great and all but how am I supposed to get my wine glass refilled?!
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) February 20, 2014
Friday night on the town didn't always include so much time at Target.
— whithonea (@whithonea) February 22, 2014
Moving along....why has my son peed on me three days in a row. I give up!
— Tamera Mowry-Housley (@TameraMowryTwo) February 19, 2014