Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Mornings would be easier if the school bus driver would agree to circle the block a few times while my kid looks for his shoes.
— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) March 19, 2014
Sex Ed for teenagers should include trying to get 2 kids ready for school in the morning.
— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) March 19, 2014
Me: I got the kids dressed.
Wife: Our toddler is wearing one sock. And one shoe. And they’re not even on the same foot.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2014
If your toddler hands you something and you have to ask, "Why is this wet?" it's safe to assume you don't really want to know.
— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) March 18, 2014
Don't think a 2 year old won't tell on you
— Elijah Shombla (@Blacktating) March 17, 2014
There are two types of parents: those who admit to playing fetch with their toddler, and liars.
— John (Dad) (@askdadblog) March 16, 2014
My 5-year-old just seriously asked if his grandmother was born with her glasses on her face.
— Kelley (@KelleysBreakRm) March 16, 2014
There's a place in hell for people who buy out all the Frozen toys and resell them on eBay. And "Let It Go" is on an infinite loop there.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) March 18, 2014
Her: I know how to spell "Olaf."
Me: Yeah? How?
Her: 2 Rs, a P and a D.
Me: That's probably incorrect.
Her: There is also a 5 in there.
— Heather B. Armstrong (@dooce) March 20, 2014
7yo: That would be awesome if it was actually raining cats and dogs. Free cats and dogs for like 20 minutes!!
Good point, son.
— inappropriate mom (@nicfit75) March 21, 2014
82% of parenting is making sure your kids don't do something fatal today
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) March 21, 2014
I’m always bitching about our high cable bill but if you think about it, 100+ dollars a month ain’t bad for a full-time babysitter.
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) March 19, 2014
To use our family's new kid safe f-word substitute: Park this weather. I am so parking over it. Park! *shakes fist at sky*
— sarahdessen (@sarahdessen) March 18, 2014
"Do you like dicks, mommy?"
"Do you like sticks?"
Ooohhh. Umm, sure.
— Lady E (@LadyEdotMe) March 18, 2014
I just got my hair cut and the guy was like 'what shampoo do you use?' and I was like 'suave 2 in 1 for kids' and he stuttered.
— Li'l Edie Surly (@JennyPentland) March 20, 2014
4yo: "Mum, you can't skip now you're old can you?"
— Twitflup (@Twitflup) March 19, 2014
There's going to be a hungry 3yo in Los Angeles today if she insists on not eating last night's leftovers because it's now "used food."
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) March 21, 2014
My 7yo ate a yellow Starburst and didn't say anything so he shall henceforth be known as "He Who Tolerates the Yellow".
— Wendy (@maughammom) March 17, 2014
Concerned citizen: "I think maybe it's naptime?"
Me: "No ma'am, we think she has rabies."
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) March 19, 2014
I don't mind when my kids whine because it reminds me to get more wine.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) March 21, 2014
Any guy who's ever been voted Dad of the Year has at one time or another let his kids eat Froot Loops for dinner
— Darin McFunkyPants (@darinlovesbacon) March 22, 2014
"Massage should be consensual!" - the kind of thing I yell at my kids
— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) March 22, 2014
I am saddened by the fact that I am no longer alarmed when my fingers smell like someone else's poo. This, my friends, is parenting.
— Allana Harkin (@AllanaHarkin) March 15, 2014
And the final tally of what the almost 2yo ate today? chapstick-2 vegetables-0. Thanks for playing.
— shannon (@trashcanmuffin) March 20, 2014
Me: "Are you just pretending to sleep?"
4yo: (Shakes head "no".)
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) March 23, 2014