The week didn't start off on the best note for some people with April Fool's Day falling on Monday. Negin Farsad was definitely one of those people: "Happy April Fools Day, may you completely ruin someone's day and then completely resurrect it through the device of 'fooling.'" Ugh, we hate April Fool's Day too.
In other underwhelming news, Kimye donned the April Vogue cover this week, sufficiently shaking up the Twittersphere. While some were unhappy with the results, Noreen Malone definitely enjoyed the Kimye photoshoot: "Was gonna cancel my dentist appointment but then I realized the waiting room might have the Kimye Vogue." Even Kimye can't get us to go to the dentist.
For more great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
If I die unexpectedly can everyone just do the right thing and pretend I was a way better person than I am?
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) April 1, 2014
Programming the coffee maker to brew the next morning is how I prove to myself that I'm a highly functioning adult.
— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) March 31, 2014
Was gonna cancel my dentist appointment but then I realized the waiting room might have the Kimye Vogue.
— Noreen Malone (@NoreenMalone) March 31, 2014
He died doing what he loved, asking her if she really was fine.
— The Eh Factor (@onelongbender) April 1, 2014
Happy April Fools Day, may you completely ruin someone's day and then completely resurrect it through the device of "fooling."
— Negin Farsad (@NeginFarsad) April 1, 2014
If by 'commitment issues' you mean refusing to commit to only one side dish then yes, I have serious commitment issues
— Claudia (@bossy_bootz) April 2, 2014
Sorry I couldn't make it to your party, I was trying to fold a fitted sheet.
— caprice crane (@capricecrane) April 3, 2014
I wonder if construction workers find Miley's "Wrecking Ball" to be a glamorization of their profession
— Kate Hendricks (@katethewasp) April 1, 2014
We play Top 40 stations at my work, which means in the past three years I have heard Rihanna's voice more than my own father's.
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff) April 3, 2014
No one believed he was Satan, so he proved it by doing the cruelest thing imaginable: He turned wine into water.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) April 3, 2014
Grease is the movie you would get if you had 30 seconds to explain heterosexuality to a race of aliens that can only reproduce homosexually.
— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) April 4, 2014
My cat steals all of my friends.
— KittyWittyBang (@KittyWittyBang) April 3, 2014
Guy just walked into work wearing a shirt that says I <3 tacos. I found him, my soulmate.
— Tish. (@toriestweeting) April 4, 2014
At last all the voices in my head aren't fighting one another, they all want ice cream.
— not Jenn (@mynameshank) April 3, 2014
My coworker just said he's not an "animal person" would it be rude to tell him I can't talk to him because I'm not a serial killer person?
— Ann Trollter (@OhNoSheTwitnt) April 4, 2014
This jar of Nutella tastes like you haven't texted me back yet.
— moody monday (@mdob11) April 4, 2014
Whenever a guy says to me "I need my space," I set up a MySpace account for him and wait for my engagement ring.
— Jenn Tisdale (@Jenn_Tisdale) April 4, 2014
When the apocalypse comes, I will still be googling "surfbort" and asking anyone who's left "Is it sex? It's sex, right??"
— Emmy Blotnick (@emmyblotnick) April 4, 2014