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Louisiana Republican Vance McAllister proved his conservative values by conducting an affair while NOT wearing diapers. The White House won't ban selfless, so the dream of seeing Jay Carney's duck face is still alive. And American's don't wan't members of Congress to earn more, even though they don't understand just how many apology gifts Vance McAllister will have to buy this holiday season. This is HUFFPOST HILL for Monday, April 7th, 2014:

SENATE MOVES JOBLESS AID, JOHN BOEHNER REACHES FOR BOWL OF MIXED NUTS - The U.S. Senate passed a bill reauthorizing long-term unemployment insurance on Monday, with Democrats hoping the vote will increase pressure on House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) to move the bill through his chamber. Boehner has said the bill fails to create jobs and is "unworkable," partly because state unemployment agencies will have trouble finding all the people who've missed out on the benefits since they lapsed in December. On Monday evening, Boehner spokesman Michael Steel reiterated those same concerns. "As the Speaker said months ago, we are willing to look at extending emergency unemployment insurance as long as it includes provisions to help create more private-sector jobs -- but, last week, Senate Democratic Leaders ruled out adding any jobs measures at all," Steel said. "The American people are still asking, 'Where are the jobs?’ and House Republicans are focused on our jobs agenda for families and small businesses." The bill DOES create jobs, just in a spendy way Republicans don't like. [HuffPost]

Democrats asked the Congressional Budget Office to give Paul Ryan's budget a poverty score.

GOP REP ADMITS TO KISSING FEMALE STAFFER - If Vance McAllister weren't from the state that reelected David Vitter after the senator was caught in the D.C. madam scandal, he might be in trouble. But he is. Laissez les bon temps and what not. Roll Call: "Freshman Rep. Vance McAllister, a conservative Louisiana Republican who was sworn-in five months ago, asked for privacy for his children and forgiveness from constituents Monday, acknowledging the validity of a video showing him kissing one of his employees. In a short statement issued a few hours after the Ouachita Citizen, a West Monroe, La., newspaper posted what appeared to be surveillance video, McAllister gave no indication he would resign. 'There’s no doubt I’ve fallen short and I’m asking for forgiveness,' McAllister said in a statement. 'I’m asking for forgiveness from God, my wife, my kids, my staff, and my constituents who elected me to serve. Trust is something I know has to be earned whether your a husband, a father, or a congressman. I promise to do everything I can to earn back the trust of everyone I’ve disappointed.' McAllister, married with five children, won a special election to replace Rodney Alexander in November." [Roll Call]

DEAN HELLER NEEDS A RED PHONE THAT IMMEDIATELY DIALS JOHN BOEHNER - Sadly, Burgess Everett reports that Heller can't have one. "'I told my staff: Get me a meeting with Speaker Boehner. And let’s see if we can figure out what would motivate them to move this piece of legislation forward.' An aide to Boehner said the speaker, who has criticized the Senate bill for lacking job-creating provisions, had no meeting scheduled with Heller as of Monday." [Politico]

Haircuts: Michael Balabanov (h/t: Ryan Grim)

DAILY DELANEY DOWNER - A well-written Washington Post feature purporting to show the nation's lack of qualified workers actually reveals the employer discrimination that has trapped millions in long-term unemployment. The story describes an Ohio businessman looking over applicants: "The first résumé belongs to a guy named David, who lives four hours away in Chicago and wants to run the plant’s maintenance. 'Results-driven,' David describes himself, in the hyphenated style particular to job applications. 'Team-oriented.' 'Spearheaded.' 'David, David,' Bernie mutters. 'This guy was in the Army ’82 to ’85, so that would put him, what, circa 50 years old? David.' David’s last full-time job ended in November 2008: 'Downsized.'" Older than 40? Out of work longer than a few months? Get lost. Remain downsized. [WashPost]

UPSIDE DOWNER - Read this blog by a food stamp recipient about a graceful grocery store gesture.

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AMERICANS SUPPORT DONATION LIMITS - Well maybe they should put their money where their mouths are by... uh... not giving it to political candidates? Emily Swanson: "Most Americans support campaign finance laws limiting both donations to individual candidates and the total amount one person can donate to candidates, according to a new HuffPost/YouGov poll conducted after the Supreme Court struck down limits on total donations last week. By a 54 percent to 32 percent margin, most Americans in the new poll said they support limits on the total amount any individual can donate to federal political campaigns and political parties. The Supreme Court ruled last week in McCutcheon v. Federal Election Commission that those limits, which for the 2014 election cycle had been set at $123,200 total and $48,600 for individual candidates, are unconstitutional. By a 60 percent to 28 percent margin, however, most Americans support having limits on the amount anyone can give to a single candidate's campaign. The Supreme Court left those limits in place, at least for now, though Justice Clarence Thomas wrote in his concurring opinion that he would have struck down those limits as well." [HuffPost]

FYI MONEY IS NOT SPEECH - Ryan Grim: "Dan Backer, the lead lawyer behind a landmark case that further opened the campaign finance floodgates, conceded in an interview with HuffPost Live that money is not, in fact, speech…. HuffPost asked Backer why, if money is speech, bribery is illegal. Shouldn't bribery be considered an expression of one's First Amendment rights? Money quickly transformed in Backer's reasoning. 'The court did not say, and really neither does any serious commentator, that money is speech. Money is not speech. Money is a necessary tool to engage in political speech and political association,' he said." [HuffPost]

Americans don't want Congress to earn more, a sentiment which might make them feel good, but makes K Street's headhunters feel even better. Emily Swanson: "Americans do not think Congress is underpaid, according to a new HuffPost/YouGov poll conducted after outgoing member of Congress Jim Moran (D-Va.) asked Americans to take pity on their struggling representatives, whom he said can't afford to 'live decently' on their current salaries. 'I think the American people should know that the members of Congress are underpaid,' Moran said in a recent interview with CQ Roll Call. 'I understand that it's widely felt that they underperform, but the fact is that this is the board of directors for the largest economic entity in the world.' In fact, 69 percent of Americans think members of Congress are paid too much, according to the new poll. Sixteen percent think they are paid about the right amount, and only 3 percent agreed with Moran that members of Congress are paid too little." [HuffPost's Emily Swanson]

SCOTT WALKER UNDER FIRE FOR PRO-CHOICE SPOKESWOMAN - But as long as she's down with ruthlessly crushing your mother's dream of unionizing her fellow third-grade teachers, the governor is still on-brand! Journal-Sentinel: "Gov. Scott Walker is quickly learning there may be a political litmus test for top campaign staff. Walker — a self-described '100% pro-life' politician — is drawing sharp criticism from some of his strongest anti-abortion allies after it was discovered this week that his newly hired campaign spokeswoman has expressed support for Planned Parenthood and abortion rights in the past. 'Obviously, naturally, that's a problem,' said Matt Sande, legislative director for Pro-Life Wisconsin, which endorsed Walker in 2010 election and his recall contest. 'I think he needs a new spokeswoman, immediately.' Walker's campaign brought on Alleigh Marre, 25, last month as the press secretary for his high-stakes re-election effort. Marre had previously worked for the National Republican Congressional Committee and former U.S. Sen. Scott Brown, a Massachusetts Republican who is an abortion-rights advocate. On her now-defunct blog, Marre wrote a piece in defense of Planned Parenthood after the GOP-backed U.S. House of Representatives voted to end funding for the organization. 'I'm a Republican, and I support Planned Parenthood, a woman's right to choose, access to STD testing, birth control, etc.,' Marre wrote Sept. 21, 2011. 'Did I mention I'm a Republican?'" [JS]

TAMMY BALDWIN LAYING IT ALL ON THE LINE FOR FINELY CHOPPED MEAT WRAPPED IN INTESTINES - This can only end in the greatest joint statement in the history of joint statements from Baldwin and proud Pole Barbara Mikulski. Green Bay Press Gazette: "Europeans negotiating a free trade deal with the United States have been angling to reserve names like 'feta' and 'parmesan' only for cheese made in Europe. As it turns out, they also want to mandate that beer names like 'Oktoberfest' and meat monikers like, yes, 'bratwurst' be allowed only on European-produced beer and sausages. With Wisconsin’s veritable Holy Trinity at risk -- cheese, brats and beer -- Sen. Tammy Baldwin jumped into action Friday, persuading a bipartisan group of colleagues to sign on to letters to U.S. trade negotiators urging them to warn Europeans that America won’t accept such naming restrictions. She signed onto a similar letter last month about cheese names. If U.S. negotiators agree to European demands, Wisconsin manufacturers would have to change product names to 'bratwurst-style sausages,' 'Oktoberfest-like ale' or 'the lunch meat formerly known as bologna.' 'The current trade proposal by the European Union creates an uneven playing field for our Wisconsin to compete, export and grow,” Baldwin said. 'I consider this an attack on our proud traditions and I am standing up for Wisconsin cheese, brats and beer.' Sen. Ron Johnson, R-Oshkosh, and more than 40 other senators signed on to her letter to Department of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack and Trade Representative Michael Froman, who has been negotiating the Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership with the European Union." [GBPG]

At what point do statewide Republican lawmakers start hiring secession LCs? "A group of Republicans in Wisconsin want to make sure that if they get fed up with the rest of the country, the Badger State can go it alone. Last month, one of Wisconsin's eight regional Republican caucuses passed a resolution asserting the state's right to secede, according to Daniel Bice at the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel. From the resolution, passed by the caucus in the 6th congressional district: 'Be it further resolved that we strongly insist our state representatives work to uphold Wisconsin's 10th Amendment rights, and our right to secede, passing legislation affirming this to the U.S. Federal Government.'" [HuffPost's Amanda Terkel]

WHITE HOUSE WON'T BAN SELFIES - You can all sleep peacefully now. WaPo: "The saga of what may be the world's most scrutinized selfie continues. Discussion of the photo Red Sox slugger David Ortiz snapped with President Obama -- an image that appeared to be taken in good fun but Samsung actually orchestrated as a publicity stunt -- just won't stop. Amid fears (?) of a crackdown on presidential selfies, White House spokesman Jay Carney told reporters Monday there has been no discussion of a ban on people snapping photographs of themselves with President Obama. Appearing on CBS's 'Face the Nation' Sunday, White House senior adviser Dan Pfeiffer said -- apparently jokingly -- that 'maybe this should be the end of all selfies.' Not everyone may have gotten the joke. 'He was saying, I think, humorously, the end of all selfies, and I don't think he just meant the White House,' Carney said." [WaPo]

(BIPARTISAN) LOVE IS DEAD - This isn't quite Maria Shriver/Arnold Schwarzenegger sad, but it still saddens us. Samantha Lachman: "Republican businessman Bruce Rauner, who is running to unseat Illinois Gov. Pat Quinn (D), aimed to moderate his message in a new campaign ad featuring his wife, Diana, who says she is a Democrat. In the TV spot, which was released Friday, the Rauners explain that they don't agree on everything, including politics. When Diana Rauner explains that she's a Democrat, Bruce Rauner emphasizes that he loves her regardless of her political affiliation. And yet it appears that Diana Rauner's political contributions don't match up with her stated party affiliation. The Chicago Tribune reported Saturday that 77 percent of the more than $500,000 she's given since 1995 has gone to Republican candidates and causes. Ninety-one percent of her $238,150 in political donations since 2009 went to GOP candidates and conservative groups. Rauner campaign spokesman Mike Schrimpf told the paper that Rauner 'voted Democrat throughout the last decade and every time for Barack Obama' on the statewide ballot. "If that doesn't make you a Democrat, I don't know what does," he added." [HuffPost]

BECAUSE YOU'VE READ THIS FAR - Here is a begging cat.

ART CRITIC SCRUTINIZES GEORGE W. BUSH'S PAINTINGS - Looks like Texas' most famous artists won't make it to the Menil anytime soon. Priscilla Frank: "George W. Bush's painting exhibition opened this weekend at the George Bush Presidential Library and Museum in Dallas. Dubya's premiere exhibition revolves around portraits of world leaders from Vladimir Putin to his own father, rendered in Bush's strangely intriguing figurative style. Art critic Deborah Solomon stopped by HuffPost Live to give her thoughts on the 43rd president-turned-burgeoning artist. Spoiler alert: she wasn't particularly impressed. 'I would just like to point out they are basically very simple-minded as paintings,' Solomon explains, stressing the fact that Bush likely projects photographs onto a panel and copies them, a process known to the masses as tracing. Although Solomon clarifies this technique is a "completely legitimate method" for postmodern contemporary artists, she notes that Bush doesn't transform his imagery in any way beyond simply copying it. (It's also unlikely that Bush is partaking in a postmodern exploration of the proliferation of images.)" [HuffPost]

COMFORT FOOD

- Behold the device that charges a smartphone in 30 seconds. [http://bit.ly/1hlPe1Y]

- The best GIF of the day. [http://bit.ly/1h8RWH3]

- A massive herd of elk crossing the road in Montana[http://bit.ly/OsIthM]

- A screening of "Noah" was canceled after the theater flooded. Insert creepy "Passion of the Christ" joke here. [http://huff.to/QY33cg]

- A magician uses card tricks to describe Stockholm's livability. [http://bit.ly/1h8SNrh]

- The Simpson's created a special couch gag to honor Dave Letterman, who will retire next year. [http://bit.ly/1el86rO]

- If people responded honestly to Facebook invitations. [http://some.ly/1oHrdX0]

TWITTERAMA

@nytminuscontext: a chicken that transforms into an egg, which gives birth to another chicken

@pourmecoffee: One time soon CNN will cut to Martin Savidge in simulator and he's going to be wearing war paint and listening to The Doors' "The End."

@lizzieohreally: "Mom is typing ..."
"Mom is typing ..."
[nothing appears in gchat]

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