Best Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

Putting socks on children at 8am is akin to wrapping someone's feet in rags soaked with acid.

— Allana Harkin (@AllanaHarkin) May 7, 2014

Being cute won't persuade me to get up early to cook you eggs, kid. Hell, I'm the one who made you cute--shouldn't YOU be making ME eggs?

— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) May 7, 2014

I gave the kids some chocolate, then left the room. That was 15 minutes ago, and now it's suuuuper quiet. Any chance they fell asleep?

— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) May 2, 2014

I don’t know where my phone is, but my 1-year-old must have it because it just automatically uploaded 97 pics of her hand to Facebook.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 5, 2014

Once your baby becomes a Toddler, you throw away your "Baby on Board" bumper sticker and graduate to "Demon on Board".

— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) May 7, 2014

"Watch how he can say his ABC's!
Say A-B-C.
Say A-B-C.
Say A..B..C.
No, put that down.
Say A...
I swear he said it a minute ago."

Parents.

— Babies Daddy (@dshack8) May 5, 2014

3yo: "someone hit me today!"
Me: "who?"
3yo: "the floor"
Me: "you mean you fell?"
3yo "yeah but it still hit me!"

— Mark, Sonny & Luca (@sonnyandluca) May 8, 2014

I have a cut across the bridge of my nose. I'm telling people it's from a bar fight. But it's from my infant son's razor nails. He won.

— charlie capen (@charliecapen) April 28, 2014

4yo: So dad's your wife, right?
Me: Right.
Husband: Right.

— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) May 4, 2014

I'm sorry that I interrupted your story to ask 'do you smell poop', it's just who I am these days.

— Dad or Alive (@dad_or_alive) April 28, 2014

Finishing Mother's Day card for his Grandma...
"Do you want to sign it too?" I ask.
"Nah, she'll know who it's from," he says.

— Nicole Blades (@NicoleBlades) May 7, 2014

5 yr old daughter asked if there's ever a time I won't tell her what to do. I told her to ask her grandmother.

— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) May 8, 2014

An actual thought I just had: "Dammit! Why do I keep driving by all these firetrucks when my toddler isn't in the car?"

— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) May 1, 2014

63% of when I play pretend with my daughter is pretending to be knocked out in hopes my daughter will just let me sleep

— Tim (@Playing_Dad) May 6, 2014

Having 4 loud kids is like being the town drunk.

Whenever I run into someone vaguely familiar, I wonder how embarrassing the backstory is.

— Kathy Cooperman (@Kathy_Cooperman) May 7, 2014

I had my pregnant wife hold my beer as I went to the bathroom...

Because I felt she needed to be judged by 300 strangers...

— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) May 11, 2014

My son has a severe case of senioritis. This would be totally understandable...if he weren't 10.

— ilina ewen (@ilinaP) April 25, 2014

It's about time the DSM-V named a disorder for what happens to kids when you bring them home from Grandma's house.

— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) May 2, 2014

Just spent a full minute trying to scrub a freckle off my son's face.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 4, 2014

We take our kids out to eat because our sanity is the price we're willing to pay for not having to do dishes.

— Jill Krause (@babyrabies) May 1, 2014

What's the most polite way to ask your kids to run away?

— eric (@ericsshadow) May 9, 2014

7:30pm and it's STILL light out? How am I supposed to convince my kids it's bedtime? It's like I have to wait for their actual bedtime:(

— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) May 2, 2014

I know it's past bedtime because my 4yo has decided to clean the bathroom "for fun."

— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) May 8, 2014