Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I knew I was going to be a good mom the first week 4 was home from the hospital & I'd slap the baby monitor off like it was an alarm clock.
— Wine-O-Mite (@Jen_Up_) June 5, 2014
Toothpaste in the living room rug. Hm. Why am I more impressed we've made it 9 years before this happened, than I am mad that it DID happen?
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) June 5, 2014
Nothing scarier than a recently closed...then quickly reopened...toddler attraction at a water park.
— Bizarro Mark (@Bizarro_Mark) June 2, 2014
Toddler & daddy are playing. Daddy is about to be put in time out. I'd come to his aid but don't want to interfere w toddler's parenting.
— Emma Kavanagh (@EmmaLK) June 1, 2014
Me to the 4yr old: Annie, your pants are on inside-out and backwards.
Annie: Thank you.
— Heather Spohr (@mamaspohr) June 8, 2014
4: Mom what do u want for your birthday?
Me: A clean house.
4: That's crazy! I'll just get u an airplane.
That's probably more realistic...
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 4, 2014
4-year-old: What are you doing?
4: Can I watch you do it?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 3, 2014
"Mom! My penis is a sunflower!"
And other quotes I'll use in a book to embarrass my children later in life.
— April Fool (@AMoore9608) June 1, 2014
4 y/o followed me to the bathroom (as usual) & I had to explain menstruation. I think I failed b/c at the end she asked "So...you're dead?"
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) June 1, 2014
I'm pretty sure the key to infinite sustainable energy can be found within the vocal chords of a 6yo.
— Wicked Cynic (@WickedCynic) June 5, 2014
My 6 yr old just asked which season her life story was in so maybe she watches too much tv
— -×- (@seagullski) June 1, 2014
My 6 announced that she wasn’t going to blow on dandelions anymore because her wish wasn’t coming true. (her wish: an ipod)
— Mrs Kit Harington (@karlainvt) June 5, 2014
If your child hangs precariously from a couch and calls for help and you start laughing at him and then he starts laughing, he WILL fall.
— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) June 4, 2014
Had to have "the talk" with my 9 y/old daughter to clear up that neither birds nor bees bring babies but that storks do. She's educated now.
— TeriKOyahyoubetcha (@terio1429) June 3, 2014
Again I say "you're welcome" in the hopes of prompting an insincere "thank you" from a 7 year old.
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) June 3, 2014
It's cute how my kids think that just because I'm their mom I'm going to make dinner.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 3, 2014
Parenting has taught me that sometimes hiding in the pantry, stuffing handfuls of dry cereal in your mouth counts as dinner
— Casey Michelle (@CaseyMichelle__) May 27, 2014
I used to fantasize about being a rockstar, now I fantasize about pulling off the freeway and curling up in the back of my car for a nap.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) June 5, 2014
— Mike (@MikeDaddyReal) June 5, 2014
7: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?
Me: I don't know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.
— Sam (@SamDeLanche) February 3, 2014
As a parent, sometimes you just want to strangle your kids, but then there are also those times that they are asleep.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 3, 2014
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
*runs back downstairs
"No, he's not."
— Hunter Steele (@FatherWithTwins) June 7, 2014
Warn your children about the dangers of the Internet, by showing them your tweets.
— Parentpains (@Parentpains) May 30, 2014