COMEDY
06/25/2014 03:31 pm ET | Updated Jun 25, 2014

What The Packaging Of Women's Products Is Really Telling You

Pink packaging. Promises to keep you "clean" and "fresh." "Protection" from your natural "scent." If you see these things, you can be pretty sure you've wandered into the women's products aisle at your local drugstore.

We have become accustomed to the image of a woman in white linen jumping around a pool, presumably after acquiring a tampon, or going on some ridiculous rock-climbing mission no woman would dare do in spandex pants wearing a diaper pad. To the media literate woman, it seems that most advertisers have never lived in a female body. While men too have "down there"-related products marketed to them, it seems that advertisers have a special place in their hearts for preying on women's genitalia insecurities.

With all this cryptic advertising, how's a girl supposed to remember exactly which female malady every product is meant to address? While we could go on and on about the flaws of women-focused advertising, we decided to make our own products instead. Below, we bring you transparency and truth -- a translation of advertiser's politely obscured messages into what they're really saying about feminine hygiene.

The Fake Products:

all products

The REAL Breakdown:

1. Douche or Disgust
douche or digust

What they're saying:
"If you don't douche, you're 'unclean.' And if you're unclean, no one will go down on you. Your genitalia, your natural smell isn't good enough, and you need to fix it -- with this."

What we're saying:
As many OBGYNs will attest, douching/cleansing is something that your body will take care of on its own, and using douching products do more harm than good. These sort of products only encourage female insecurity -- and (if one douches too many times) they can increase your risk of developing a vaginal infection.

2. Women's Period Pills
womens period pills

What they're saying:
"Forget regular painkillers for your period. When women PMS, they need their own type of she-devil pill to combat those crabby symptoms. The product works, but just enjoy the pink, ladiesssss."

What we're thinking:
Holy packaging. Thanks for keeping women from yanking our uteruses out, but does everything targeted toward us have to be color-coded? What if we like blue?

3. Stay Away Stench Wash
stay away stench wash

What they're saying:
"No soap is strong enough to get rid of your smell down there, so make sure to drown your crotch in this. It's basically perfume for your privates, because just showering isn't enough. We'll keep selling you bullshit as long as you keep buying things from us."

What we're thinking:
Soap isn't good enough and body wash isn't good enough, so we need another quasi-fake shower product for our vaginas? In reality, one soapy gel will do just fine for your entire body.

Special thanks to:
The lovely Troy Dunham for making my concepts a reality. To explore more of Troy Dunham's work, check out Illustrations by Troy Dunham.

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