Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways -- so we like to round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
This week, we're thrilled to welcome back guest curator Melissa Sher, who blogs at Mammalingo and right here on HuffPost Parents. Read her selections below, and follow @HuffPostParents and @thismelissasher on Twitter for more!
You'd think after 11 years of parenting, I'd learn to recognize the signs when someone's about to sneeze into my open mouth.
— Abhorrent Housewife (@abhorrent_wife) July 22, 2014
MILLION $ IDEA!
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 23, 2014
Toddlermat: push your filthy, clothed toddler thru a sudsy obstacle course and handle bath time & the laundry all at once!
3yo just showed me with her arms how much she loves chocolate, and it is definitely more than she loves me.
— SnuggleMummy (@NinsMum) July 23, 2014
Parenthood is simply an increasingly ridiculous escalation of threats until you've taken away the possibility of having a pet llama.
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) July 22, 2014
My 4 year old's favorite toy is all of the ones I just put in the "donate" pile.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 25, 2014
My kid is mad that I 'made it rain' so he can't go in the pool. Bad news: I'm to blame for everything. Good news: I'm a powerful witch.
— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) July 24, 2014
4 year old: I need a band aid.
— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) July 24, 2014
Me: Don't have one.
4: I need band aid. NEED A BAND AID!NOW!!
Me: oh wait, I found one!
4: Not that one.
I just pushed the elevator button with my kids here like I'm new or something.
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) July 24, 2014
I was reminding my 5yo what polo was. He was mystified until he finally said "Oh! You mean HORSE HOCKEY!" I will now call it that forever.
— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) July 21, 2014
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
— Zoe vs. the Universe (@zoevsuniverse) July 21, 2014
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
"I never want to do that again."
Despite how much my daughter insists on winning EVERYTHING, she doesn't give two licks about losing "the quiet game"
— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) July 23, 2014
Played the 'Who can be quiet the longest?' game in the car, with the kids.
— Mike (@MikeDaddyReal) July 22, 2014
B started to kick me.
I told him to stop.
He told me I lost.
Sitting in a waiting room with my children & two pregnant women & I'm fairly certain any excitement they were feeling has changed to panic.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) July 21, 2014
My 5 yr old daughter told our neighbor that she doesn't have a penis. The neighbor had simply asked why she wasn't playing with her brother.
— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) July 22, 2014
13yo: Is my phone still under warranty?
— Jennifer (@pinkmenotmom) July 23, 2014
Me: Why?
13yo: B/c it fell in the toilet. But don't worry, I hadn't peed yet.
Doing a painting craft with 5 kids, also known as "well, I didn't like that carpet anyways..."
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) July 23, 2014
My husband wrote "I love you" in seashells.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) July 20, 2014
I thought the kids made a mess, scooped them up, and never saw it.
We see what we look for.
There's something about Otter Pops that makes kids forget where the garbage is when they're done eating it.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 22, 2014
I've hit refresh on my kids' camp photo page about 200 times since yesterday. What I need is a drone.
— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) July 21, 2014
Me: When we cross the street, I’ll hold your hand
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 22, 2014
4-year-old: No! I’ll hold YOUR hand!
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: OK. You drive a hard bargain
The fun thing about having 5 kids is that by the time everyone is ready to go to the beach for the day, it's Fall.
— Oh Susanna (@Just_Oh_Susanna) July 23, 2014
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Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
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