Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways -- so we like to round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
This week, we're thrilled to welcome back guest curator Melissa Sher, who blogs at Mammalingo and right here on HuffPost Parents. Read her selections below, and follow @HuffPostParents and @thismelissasher on Twitter for more!
You'd think after 11 years of parenting, I'd learn to recognize the signs when someone's about to sneeze into my open mouth.
— Abhorrent Housewife (@abhorrent_wife) July 22, 2014
MILLION $ IDEA!
Toddlermat: push your filthy, clothed toddler thru a sudsy obstacle course and handle bath time & the laundry all at once!
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 23, 2014
3yo just showed me with her arms how much she loves chocolate, and it is definitely more than she loves me.
— SnuggleMummy (@NinsMum) July 23, 2014
Parenthood is simply an increasingly ridiculous escalation of threats until you've taken away the possibility of having a pet llama.
— Kalvin Macleod (@KalvinMacleod) July 22, 2014
My 4 year old's favorite toy is all of the ones I just put in the "donate" pile.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 25, 2014
My kid is mad that I 'made it rain' so he can't go in the pool. Bad news: I'm to blame for everything. Good news: I'm a powerful witch.
— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) July 24, 2014
4 year old: I need a band aid.
Me: Don't have one.
4: I need band aid. NEED A BAND AID!NOW!!
Me: oh wait, I found one!
4: Not that one.
— mama bird diaries (@mamabirddiaries) July 24, 2014
I just pushed the elevator button with my kids here like I'm new or something.
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) July 24, 2014
I was reminding my 5yo what polo was. He was mystified until he finally said "Oh! You mean HORSE HOCKEY!" I will now call it that forever.
— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) July 21, 2014
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
"I never want to do that again."
— Zoe vs. the Universe (@zoevsuniverse) July 21, 2014
Despite how much my daughter insists on winning EVERYTHING, she doesn't give two licks about losing "the quiet game"
— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) July 23, 2014
Played the 'Who can be quiet the longest?' game in the car, with the kids.
B started to kick me.
I told him to stop.
He told me I lost.
— Mike (@MikeDaddyReal) July 22, 2014
Sitting in a waiting room with my children & two pregnant women & I'm fairly certain any excitement they were feeling has changed to panic.
— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) July 21, 2014
My 5 yr old daughter told our neighbor that she doesn't have a penis. The neighbor had simply asked why she wasn't playing with her brother.
— Martinis & Minivans (@martinisandmini) July 22, 2014
13yo: Is my phone still under warranty?
13yo: B/c it fell in the toilet. But don't worry, I hadn't peed yet.
— Jennifer (@pinkmenotmom) July 23, 2014
Doing a painting craft with 5 kids, also known as "well, I didn't like that carpet anyways..."
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) July 23, 2014
My husband wrote "I love you" in seashells.
I thought the kids made a mess, scooped them up, and never saw it.
We see what we look for.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) July 20, 2014
There's something about Otter Pops that makes kids forget where the garbage is when they're done eating it.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 22, 2014
I've hit refresh on my kids' camp photo page about 200 times since yesterday. What I need is a drone.
— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) July 21, 2014
Me: When we cross the street, I’ll hold your hand
4-year-old: No! I’ll hold YOUR hand!
Me: OK. You drive a hard bargain
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 22, 2014
The fun thing about having 5 kids is that by the time everyone is ready to go to the beach for the day, it's Fall.
— Oh Susanna (@Just_Oh_Susanna) July 23, 2014