Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways -- so we like to round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Our guest curator this week is Mike Julianelle, who blogs at Dad and Buried and right here on HuffPost Parents. Read his selections below, and follow @HuffPostParents and @DadandBuried on Twitter for more!
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Me: *makes it, gives it to him
4yo: I didn't want it toasted!
— Hunter Steele (@FatherWithTwins) July 28, 2014
7 asked me if I wanted a beer while he was pouring his orange juice at breakfast.
I thought about it for a second.
— Bizarro Mark (@Bizarro_Mark) July 26, 2014
My parenting book would be just a series of "Shhh" with different lengths and punctuation for various occasions.
— Los (@LosLos__) July 27, 2014
4: I drew you a picture! It says "I Love You"...
Me: Thank you! That's so sweet. I love y--
4: ...It also says "Some People Are Stinky".
— Wendy (@maughammom) July 28, 2014
I have a localized headache . . . right about everywhere my kids are.
— Nicole Leigh Shaw (@NicoleLeighShaw) July 30, 2014
Me: What can I get you this morning?
Me: How bout an episode of the Wiggles?
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) July 30, 2014
"No one understands that I need more me time" is what I whisper to my cat while we hide from the kids all day.
— Oh Susanna (@Just_Oh_Susanna) July 28, 2014
I remember when I didn't used to choose hotels based on their proximity to theme parks.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) July 29, 2014
My children eat their own pizza crusts now. It looks like I am never eating again.
— ADadABeardACanal (@DadBeard) August 1, 2014
4-year-old: Daddy, do I have to go potty?
Me: I don’t know. Do you?
4: YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO KNOW!
I’m such a failure.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 28, 2014
Today I tried to explain to my 3 year old that she didn't used to exist. She wasn't buying it
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) July 27, 2014
Friend: Is your kid drunk?
Me: I'm not entirely sure.
Kid: I just wanna dance.
Me: Yeah, there's a possibility
— MommyNeedsADrink (@Mommy_NeedsWine) July 29, 2014
I'm such a badass dad that I just glare at the crust on bread and it comes off by itself and gets in the trash
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) July 29, 2014
Putting sunscreen on a baby was harder than college.
— Seth Burleigh (@FortyWeeksLater) July 31, 2014
Me: Okay. Here's the plan. You take the boys to the store & get this list & I get peace & a shower & to look beautiful. 1-2-3 BREAK.
— SHANtilly Lace (@shashaintl) July 26, 2014
Never, ever, in the name of god, say, "Maybe"to a child. Alls that they hear is,"I swear on my life that this will definitely happen."
— Rick (@rickkondell) July 28, 2014
HOLDEN: Are we there yet?
ME: Ummm, since I can still see our house in the rearview mirror, nope, not there yet.
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) July 30, 2014
"When I grow up I get to say all of the bad words. Like every single one." Looks like I have the next Steve Jobs on my hands, guys.
— Jess Sanfilippo (@shuggilippo) July 29, 2014
4 yo: You have to hold my hand mummy, do you know why?
Me: Because I love you?
4yo: That's so sweet! But no.
— Rachel Patterson (@howsuperduper) July 31, 2014
Trust me, kids, turning off this TV is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) July 28, 2014
The worst noise in the world is the sound of a toddler waking up from a 15 minute nap.
— Abhorrent Housewife (@abhorrent_wife) July 31, 2014
Hang in there, parents. Soon the children will go back to school and we will be rewarded with football.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) July 29, 2014
Her: Pretend you're a fairy.
Me: Let's pretend we're not going to pretend for a little bit.
Her: No. Pretend you didn't say that.
— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) July 30, 2014
It’s important your kids know how important they are to you
It’s also just as important they don’t know quite how important they are to you
— Token Geezer (@Token_Geezer) July 29, 2014