Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Having a cold while being pregnant is like getting a parking ticket while you’re at the dentist.
— Kristen Bell (@IMKristenBell) August 7, 2014
I'm staying in a hotel all by myself and I still woke up at the crack of dawn. I've been sleep trained by my children.
— Alison Lee (@AlisonSWLee) August 3, 2014
Mayday, mayday, not even done with my coffee and they've climbed the cupboards and found the Play-doh stash.
— Jessica Watson (@JessBWatson) August 7, 2014
This morning my 3yo had a tantrum because she thought my skin was chocolate and was pissed when I wouldn't let her eat me.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) August 5, 2014
Have kids! Perks include:
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) August 6, 2014
Describing square dancing before 9am
Watching them put jewelry on the dog
Detaching them from the blinds
Act now!
Before kids you wear makeup to look pretty. After kids you wear makeup to look rested.
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) August 5, 2014
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
— eric (@ericsshadow) August 7, 2014
Me: Is your friend S getting a baby sister?
— Rebecca Hanover (@rebeccahanover) August 5, 2014
2.5yo: Yes, she's getting a baby sister.. in a package!
Me: Like on Amazon?
2.5: (knowing smile)
3yos are great for when you're trying to decide if that shirt should go in the wash, and they wipe their nose on it and remove all doubt.
— SnuggleMummy (@NinsMum) August 5, 2014
Three year olds are great because just in case you didn't hear something the first time they will let you know another 728 times.
— Nicole (@scrappydoo36) August 4, 2014
Told my kid to have a good day at camp and he said, "If you say so!"
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 6, 2014
I hope he's this obedient as a teenager.
My son is on a road trip today with his girlfriend to tour a college. I'll be in a fetal position under my desk if you need anything.
— Michelle (@RageMichelle) August 4, 2014
4-year-old: Why is it called a piggyback ride?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 5, 2014
Me: I don’t know.
4: Is it because you’re fat?
4 year old: I want a pet.
— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) August 5, 2014
Me: What kind?
4: A baby dinosaur.
Me: They don't exist anymore. What's your second choice?
4: A pigeon.
Reasons your 4 year old is pissed:
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 7, 2014
1. You didn't help him open his snack.
2. Oh, you did help him? NO! He can do it himself!!!
Don't ask your 5 year old to feed the cat unless you're sure the cat likes blueberry Pop-Tarts. Lesson learned.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) August 1, 2014
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
— Gahhhhh (@nightshadesiris) August 5, 2014
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
My sons found a dead bug and tried to feed it watermelon to make it better so I’m pretty confident that I’ll be taken care of in my old age.
— ADadABeardACanalPandemic (@DadBeard) August 5, 2014
Teach your kids to never give up and then see what happens when you take them to a toy store. Haha, you lose again.
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) August 3, 2014
Motherhood wouldn't be so bad if they didn't need something every three seconds.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) August 5, 2014
I said: Ok, that's enough
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 5, 2014
My kids heard: Let's hit daddy in the face
The concept of infinity can be described with a picture of a toddler with a question mark lingering overhead.
— Los (@LosLos__) August 4, 2014
You can tell you're doing a great job as a Parent if your kids regularly yell "You're So Mean Mommy!!" while storming off crying.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) August 5, 2014
Overheard:
— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) August 6, 2014
5yo: "I can't stop going to the bathroom."
6yo: "Maybe you have something going on with your prostate."
The 6 year old has a whoopee cushion. Life as we know it will never be the same.
— Jennifer Mendelsohn ﾟﾇﾺﾟﾇﾸ (@CleverTitleTK) August 2, 2014
Good thing I gave my baby a super awesome middle name, I have a feeling I'm going to be yelling it a lot.
— lyz lenz (@lyzl) August 7, 2014
My four year old told me she hopes that she dreams about love tonight so she could learn to like me again after I cut her waffles wrong
— kelly jean (@kjmeow) August 3, 2014
My son found my vibrator & now I have to buy vibrating light sabers for the whole family.
— Carbosly (@Carbosly) August 7, 2014
You know when your fire alarm goes off and is super annoying & you can't figure out how to turn it off? That's what having kids is like.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 11, 2014
Having a teenager is a lot like having an employee that doesn't do a lot of work, comes in late, and wants to leave early.
— Jackman...Forever (@TheAlexP) August 9, 2014
Being a parent means you never really have a clean house. You just sort of move the mess around when people come over.
— Freddie (@fred_dog) August 8, 2014
Having kids is like an episode of Punk'd that lasts 18 years
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 3, 2014
"Why don't we go out to eat more??" my kids yelled as they crawled on the floor, bounced up and down on the seats, and kicked the table.
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) August 8, 2014
Dear God, pleeeeease don't let this be her back-to-school outfit. pic.twitter.com/w3TNErX6FE
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) August 5, 2014
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Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
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