Funniest Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn't move.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 4, 2014

You know that cool feeling when you know the answer on Jeopardy? Not quite as fulfilling shouting out the answer to Blue's Clues.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 2, 2014

I'm so glad we have a room full of furniture so that my kids can sit on top of me.

— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) November 3, 2014

I spent 10 mins arguing with my son whether something on the floor was a spider or dust bunny. I lost. Now I have to bury this dust bunny.

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 4, 2014

"Mama, do you know what the easiest thing to make out of rock is? A ROCK."
Proof the line between great philosophy & 7yo crazy talk is slim.

— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) November 5, 2014

November 3rd and the kid's Christmas list is already 5 pages long, which tells me that this year's holiday theme will be "disappointment".

— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) November 3, 2014

Me: "Who should I vote for?"
3yo: "Candy because I like candy."

.... and just like that, democracy is explained.

— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) November 4, 2014

2-year-old: I don’t want to eat my pork chop!

Me: Name one thing that’s wrong with it.

2-year-old: It’s not pizza.

Touchￃﾩ.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 5, 2014

I never knew how much of parenting is just fending off one mutiny after another.

— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) November 5, 2014

I had another wild night last night.

I put the kids to bed at 8 p.m.

I stayed up and partied until 8:02 p.m.

— That's Parenting (@ThatsParenting) November 3, 2014

Parenting Grenade: A disciplinary directive lobbed by your spouse as he conveniently leaves the house, i.e. "Have her clean her room." BOOM

— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) November 2, 2014

This morning I held a 2 min fam mtg with a demonstration entitled: How to Change a Roll of Toilet Paper. They were in awe of how easy it is.

— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) November 2, 2014

Any other parents been tempted to meet their kids' incessant whining for a snack with a dog treat?

Yeah, no. Me either.

— Stephanie Jankowski (@CrazyExhaustion) November 5, 2014

The Kindergarten Teacher was like, "Your son has trouble listening and acts immature" so I was all, "What did you say? LOL JK."

— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) November 3, 2014

I'm convinced there's an invisible trap door in my minivan where all the water bottles, sippy cups and snack cups go.

— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) November 2, 2014

Dear past self:
Being a mom sounds fun? Walk a mile in my shoes, plz.

Full disclosure: the left one is full of baby puke.

— Mommy Honesty (@momesty) November 3, 2014

I can solve a Rubix Cube faster than I can solve the puzzle that is my baby's car seat buckle.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 5, 2014

SCIENCE: A dad suffers greater injury than a child if he lands wrong on a trampoline b/c dads have more mass & children are made of Nerf

— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) November 4, 2014

Toddler is 100% pissed at me because I ate a cheeto from her bowl, so since she was already mad, I ate the rest of them.

— Court (@Discourt) November 5, 2014

Alligator wrestlers
Contortionists
Professional negotiators

-People most qualified to zip a toddler into a sleeper

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) November 4, 2014

Winning this card game that my 3 year old made up looks pretty grim. She dealt me 2 cards and herself 50.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) November 3, 2014

Zoey got her polio shot this morning. Based on her reaction, I’m gonna say contracting polio might have been less painful.

— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) November 4, 2014