Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways -- so we like to round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Our guest curator this week is John Kinnear, who blogs at Ask Your Dad and right here on HuffPost Parents. Read his selections below, and follow @HuffPostParents and @askdadblog on Twitter for more!
Nothing says "we forgot to go to the market" like plain quesadillas for breakfast.
— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) December 31, 2014
"Doesn't this sound like a cartoon cop car? ::plays kazoo for 15 solid min::" Yes it does, child who clearly time traveled here from the 20s
— Jess (@shuggilippo) January 16, 2015
JJ: Why did the pig cross the road?
— Brent Almond (@DesignerDaddy) January 16, 2015
Me: Why?
JJ: TO EAT THE PEOPLE!! (falls down laughing at himself)
Preschooler jokes are scary.
80% of parenting is yelling through a closed bathroom door.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) January 20, 2015
Adulthood involves way less pooping in private than I expected.
— The Dad (@thedad) January 18, 2015
4-year-old: Can I have water in a cup with no lid?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 20, 2015
Me: Because you want to drink like a big girl?
4: I need to throw it at someone.
I'm glad I pay $200 a month for cable so my kids can leave the tv on as background noise while on their iPads.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 17, 2015
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) January 21, 2015
So far as an adult, I haven't really needed to know as much about tall tales as elementary school taught me that I would.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) January 15, 2015
My youngest son has chosen a favorite food - whatever is on my plate! #parenting
— Aaron Gouveia (@DaddyFiles) January 17, 2015
No son, you did not take a shower last night because I would have remembered the fight we're having RIGHT NOW.
— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) January 20, 2015
Being a father means that every time you say “that’s what she said,” a little voice asks “did she really?”
— Zach Rosenberg (@zjrosenberg) January 21, 2015
"We don't pee in the shower."
- me to my toddler
Parenting is filled with lies.
— Creed (@novicefather) January 20, 2015
"You bake the best, mommy!"
— Wonder Kitten (@Tw1tter_K1tten) January 20, 2015
- 4 when I gave him a hot pocket for dinner
Tonight we're putting the kids to bed over an hour early. Because it's been a long day and they don't know how to tell time.
— Dave Lesser (@AmateurIdiot) January 18, 2015
3yo: "I don't want a goodnight hug or kiss from Daddy."
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) January 20, 2015
Wife: "Be nice."
3yo: "Can I please not have a goodnight hug or kiss from Daddy?"
Breastfeeding has really allowed me to follow through on my New Year's resolution to watch even more TV than usual.
— Nicole Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe) January 22, 2015
I just said it's bedtime but by the crying and screaming that is happening I'm afraid my kids thought I said it's the end of ALL time.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) January 21, 2015
Hearing my son say "I'm tired" is like hitting the lottery.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 20, 2015
*5yo son walks up*
— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) January 21, 2015
*lifts my shirt*
*sticks his finger in my belly button*
*smells his finger*
*licks his finger*
*nods*
*walks off*
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Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
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