Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Me: Kids, wanna play a game?
Me: How about a match game?
Me: *dumps laundry basket of socks on the floor*
— Babies Daddy (@dshack8) March 10, 2015
Maternal lie of the day:
"It's such a bummer that the new KidZ Bop CD won't be out before our road trip next week!"
— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) March 12, 2015
BIG DAY: My son deployed the "he started it" defense for the 1st time. Oh joy.
Also, I never expected him to use it on me. And to be right.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 13, 2015
"I'm ready to go. Prepare my motorcade."
- my 6 yr old was paying more attention during House of Cards than I realized
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) March 13, 2015
I painted my 7yo's team name on his cheek for Spirit Day and he's screaming in front of the mirror because I wrote it backwards.
— Jenny Pentland (@JennyPentland) March 12, 2015
*watches child put on shoes for what appears to be an infinite amount of time*
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) March 12, 2015
I've got 3 Reese's peanut butter eggs in my purse.
I plan on enjoying them in the luxury of a locked bathroom.
— swingin'utters (@TheDoeOrTheDeer) March 13, 2015
My daughter played Apples to Apples at school. For "having a baby" one boy said "depressing. Bc when you're pregnant you're constipated."
— Liz Gumbinner (@Mom101) March 13, 2015
Toddlers are terrible at lying about their age. They just can't keep their story straight with the number they say & the fingers they hold.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 11, 2015
My 4 year old has a fever so I'm staying home with her and watching what symptoms I'll be suffering from tomorrow.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) March 12, 2015
I haven't had an uninterrupted shower in nearly two years.
Cherish the little things, childless people.
— Creed (@novicefather) March 10, 2015
I've reached a stage in parenting where I no longer ask what smells.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) March 11, 2015
That awkward moment when your kids find their drawings in the trash can.
— Carbosly (@Carbosly) March 11, 2015
There is no better representation of early parenthood than the game, "Is that poop or is that melted chocolate?"
— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) March 13, 2015
A GPS locator for kids would be great, but today I'm leaning more towards a mute button option.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) March 11, 2015
With my toddler, I'm all like.."I love you so much!!!" And he's like... Hey, blonde lady, can you help me reach that cake on the counter?
— mama bird diaries (@mamabirddiaries) March 13, 2015
Parenting. Because it's fun to cook three different meals for three different people, only to be told that nobody is hungry.
— Court (@Discourt) March 9, 2015
Definitely have kids. It'll considerably enrich your life.
Unless you like being able to find your remote controls and stuff. Then skip it.
— inappropriate mom (@nicfit75) March 11, 2015
I guess you're doing something right when your kid thinks a lo-cal Gatorade counts as dessert.
— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) March 10, 2015
Told my 4 year old that we can do whatever she wants today and now I've burned about a thousand calories playing Duck Duck Goose.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) March 13, 2015
Put my symptoms into WebMD: irritability, exhaustion, mood swings, leg soreness. The results came back: You're at Disneyland with your kids.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 9, 2015
Husband and son: Okay, we're leaving now!
Me: Okay! Bye!
Them: See you soon!
Me: All right!
Them: Have fun while we're gone!
Me: GET OUT
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) March 9, 2015