Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Good morning, parents! Or if you have a teething baby and live in the US, good extra daylight evening!
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) March 16, 2015
In an unfortunate turn of events, my daughter has decided to get ready for school on rollerblades.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) March 16, 2015
Daycare: "Her mouth is all blue. What did she have for breakfast?"
Me: "A marker."
— Lady E (@LadyEdotMe) March 18, 2015
My kids are mocking me because I've lost my voice.
I just changed the wifi password.
Who's laughing now?
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 20, 2015
How come when my kid pretends to be an animal he never pretends to be a housecat or a sloth and then quietly lies on the couch all day?
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 16, 2015
What's the opposite of break? I'm trying to think of a more appropriate name for spring break when you have kids.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 18, 2015
5yo: Daddy, is mommy the boss of you?
5yo: *confused look
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) March 18, 2015
My daughter told me that she hates me so at least now I know that I'm doing this parenting thing right.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) March 16, 2015
I said to my 4 year old that he can take his time picking out one toy at Toys R Us.
We've been here since October.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) March 16, 2015
I wish these lawn care places that want me to care for my lawn offered free childcare so that then I would have time to care about my lawn.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) March 18, 2015
90% of modern parenting is keeping your kids away from your smartphone.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) March 18, 2015
It would be awesome if as adults we could lose our ever-lovin' mind if our sandwiches had crusts.
— Martinis & Minivans (@martinisandmini) March 19, 2015
File this under things I never thought I'd Google: "Which episode of The Backyardigans is the Chichen Itza episode?"
— Experienced Bad Mom (@ExperBadMom) March 18, 2015
I don't care what my children grow up to be so long as they grow up to be not living in this house at age 32.
— Nicole Leigh Shaw (@NicoleLeighShaw) March 19, 2015
As a parent, there's nothing better than getting ice cream without your kid.
— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) March 18, 2015
Toddlers are good at crushing goldfish into the carpet and my dreams into a bottle of wine.
— Court (@Discourt) March 18, 2015
My kids keep telling me my language is inappropriate, so I'd say I've done my job raising them pretty fucking well.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) March 18, 2015
I'm fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) March 20, 2015
So what if I have three kids?
I'm still going to party hard on St. Patrick's Day.
*drinks milk and watches "Finding Nemo"*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2015
My favorite part of my kids' bday slumber party has been listening to their friends mock their parents for being on Paleo diets.
— Stella Bugbee (@stellabugbee) March 15, 2015
Me: "Time for bed"
Her: Falls on floor, begins tantrum...
Me: "This is how mommy feels at 3am"
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) March 18, 2015
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