Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
With the amount of noise my children make in the morning, you'd think I gave birth to a marching band.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) May 7, 2015
Conversations with a Toddler:
3yo: TODAY IS MY BIRFDAY!
Me: Nope, not today. Saturday.
3yo: DIS DAY WILL NEVER GET HERE!
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) May 6, 2015
"I'm listening." #LiesParentsTell
— Nicole Leigh Shaw (@NicoleLeighShaw) May 7, 2015
If people didn't know I had kids, they'd probably think I was crazy for shouting repeatedly, "Socks on feet!"
— Ponies and Martinis (@PonyMartini) May 6, 2015
The 5yo's reaction to salad dressing on the raw veggies. "I can't eat this! Why'd you put lotion on it?!"
— Nichole Bernier (@NicholeBernier) May 4, 2015
One of the biggest lies we tell our kids is, "Wow, you're a really good artist."
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 5, 2015
The book "Everyone Poops" is my family memoir.
— Wonder Kitten (@Tw1tter_K1tten) May 7, 2015
Why does Tummy Time end with infancy? I could really use some one-on-one time with me and the floor.
— Angie (@AngieLynchipoo) May 6, 2015
"What's that horrible smell in this room?"
- a parenting autobiography
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) May 8, 2015
Me: Sophie, what do you want to be when you grow up? 3 yo: (enthusiastically) A dog!
— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) May 6, 2015
Welcome to parenthood, where the joy of discovering new music has been replaced by an endless loop of songs from Daniel Tiger.
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) May 7, 2015
Marathons are proof that parents are willing to do just about anything to get a few hours of peace and quiet.
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) May 6, 2015
3yo:When is nap time? Me:Oh no! Are you sick? Do you have a fever? It was that kid sneezing at the playground. I knew it! 3yo:No Dora asked
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) May 4, 2015
I have 3 kids. There are communities that live in my rugs.
— Sara (@sara_ashlynn) May 6, 2015
My 5yo son watching any sport: "The team I want to win is the team that wins."
— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) May 4, 2015
12yo: "Did they have swear words in the 60's? I didn't think they were invented back then" Me: ???
— Twitflup (@Twitflup) May 4, 2015
Some people have painted the Sistine Chapel. Others built pyramids. I once moved a baby from the car to a crib without the baby waking up.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) May 4, 2015
"You don't need to get me anything for Mother's Day."
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 4, 2015
Me: How's it going?
4-year-old: I WASN'T DOING ANYTHING!
Me: *leaves without asking any follow-up questions*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 4, 2015
Parenting Level: Approving my kids' friends based on which parents I think would drink wine with me during playdates.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) May 7, 2015
I play villain and say things like, "The time has come for you to brush your teeth and bring me your hairbrush."
*Kids scream in terror*
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) May 6, 2015