TEEN

My Sexual Awakening Happened At 17 -- And I Was Unprepared For It

05/27/2015 12:08 pm ET | Updated May 27, 2015
Danielle Pearce Photography via Getty Images

Throughout the next few months, HuffPost Teen is highlighting the way teens think and feel about sex through anecdotes written for our series, "Teen Sex: It's Complicated." All of the authors are teenagers who have agreed to be published anonymously. If you want to share your thoughts, join the conversation here.

By William, 18

“Natural” took a whole new meaning when high school started. Along with this new feeling came stories of kids, whom I had known since our days of light up Sketchers and Lunchables, doing, well, it. I always avoided thinking about it, I never talked about it, and up until this time, I had never had to deal with it but all of the sudden, I had this rush of emotions flood inside me. I came to the realization that I had a different idea of this whole “what feels natural” idea then most of the kids around me.

During my junior year of high school, I came to terms with the fact that I was gay. I was surrounded with support and love from my family and friends and I consider myself so blessed and fortunate for that. Despite the lack of external conflict, there was a sexual awakening inside of me just waiting to surface, and at the tender age of 17, I was far from prepared for it.

The first time I kissed a boy, I had a nervous breakdown and even cried a little. He tried to make moves I wasn't ready for and it scared me. I had never been so excited and terrified and anxious at the same time. After it had happened, I was on the phone with some of my friends for upwards of 40 minutes. The second time I kissed a boy, it led to more things. I felt ashamed after this. I felt dirty and regretful but after talking it through with various people, I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't feel ashamed. This was all natural. I had felt so distraught and confused by everything I was feeling that I never thought to realize that all of this was natural and normal.

After ironing out all of my mental wrinkles, it all started to slowly make sense. I shouldn't fear sex. Sex is natural. Sex is something that I find to be very intimate and I hope to share my first time with someone who I care for and who cares for me; it’s not like something that people run for the hills to avoid. I calmed down a lot after this. I became comfortable with myself. I became comfortable with my sexuality. But most importantly, I became comfortable with sex. I would be lying if I said it didn't make me nervous, but in my opinion, it’s better and more understandable than fear. I should clarify that I haven’t lost my virginity, but when I do, despite if it happens before marriage or graduation, or during college, I won’t fear it. I’ll embrace it. There are many things I fear in life, but sex is the last of them.

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