Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
"This is not a democracy!!" Every parent. Every morning.
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) May 28, 2015
I just gave my toddler a bag of cereal for breakfast. I rolled the bag down to make it look like a bowl. Because 3rd baby.
— Jill Krause (@babyrabies) May 27, 2015
3yo: Look a dancing coffee cup. 6yo: It's a person. They get paid for that. 3yo: I want to be a coffee cup when I grow up. Thanks Dunkin.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) May 27, 2015
I sent my kid to school with 3 kinds of granola bars and a cheese stick. I get an A for "Eh, It's the end of the year."
— Full Metal Mommy (@FullMetalMommy) May 28, 2015
2 y/o was screaming in the car & my girls were trying to help (singing, etc)-5 y/o finally says "I really want to say the f word right now."
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) May 26, 2015
5yo: "Daddy, do you want me to run into you at full speed?" Me: "No...." 5yo: "WELL I'M DOING IT!"
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) May 26, 2015
Sometimes I hear butt cake instead of bundt cake and I laugh. Then I think damn my kids are lucky that their mom is mentally as old as them.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) May 26, 2015
Hell hath no fury like my kid seeing someone in my house drink a Diet Coke that says "Share a diet coke with mom" and that person isn't me
— Eve Vawter (@EveVawter) May 26, 2015
*from the other room 5yo: You're going to be in trouble! Me: Why is that? 5yos in unison: Nothing!
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) May 27, 2015
PSA: Children do not know how to whisper. For example my 4yo just "whispered" "Why does that woman have a mustache?!" on the checkout line.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) May 29, 2015
"Let's turn every single light on in every single room in the house and then leave." - Kids
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) May 21, 2015
Just found my 4yo brushing her hair with my potato scrubber. If I ever invite you to dinner, decline immediately.
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) May 28, 2015
I'll see your kid's boring Minecraft stories and raise you my daughter talking about Shopkins for what feels like an eternity.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 26, 2015
Is there a Nobel Loud Prize? I'm pretty sure my kids could win that one.
— Wonder Kitten (@Tw1tter_K1tten) May 26, 2015
Sorry I can't join u for a spa pedicure. I just had one yesterday.
*cut to my 3yo spraying my foot w/a squirt gun filled with toilet water*
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 26, 2015
Me: while you slept I changed 3 poopy diapers. Wife: that's the sexiest thing you've ever said.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) May 26, 2015
I can't remember…when all your kids are playing their recorders at once, which circle of hell are you in again?
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) May 29, 2015
My kid spent the afternoon playing house & pretending to be an adult. I spend all week playing dead & wishing adulthood was just pretend.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 27, 2015