We did it, everyone! We made it through one more month of the 2016 presidential campaign and our republic is still basically intact. Only seventeen more months to go. In the United Kingdom, they could hold two entire elections during the time it will take us to just get from here to our first primaries, but they won't because they are not insane. Anyone re-thinking whether it was smart to violently throw off our former colonial masters? Don't rush, you still have over 500 days to ponder the question.
The good news is that more and more people are deciding that the time to run for president is now. Former Maryland Gov. Martin O'Malley jumped into the Democratic race over the weekend, and Sen. Lindsey Graham entered on the Republican side on Monday morning. Fun fact: former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush and Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker have technically not joined the GOP fray yet. And yet, they top the polls in most instances. They are the smartest of all, perhaps.
But for the moment, it's time to bid farewell to the people and things that made this past month the Best Month Of The 2016 Election Cycle, with some appropriate musical accompaniment.
Farewell, Traditional Presidential Campaigns. Do you still harbor nostalgic ideas about the way we run for president? Ha, well, it's becoming more and more clear that it's about time to consign those ideas to the dustbin. Sure, you might see the odd candidate running some sort of soulful, grassroots affair that is, as we used to say, "people-powered." Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.), for example, has sworn off super PACs on principle. All of which sounds great until you realize that this doesn't compel super PACs to swear off Sanders. That's the future: When the money you don't want wants you bad enough, there's nothing you can do.
Back at the end of April, it was reported that Bush was putting American presidential politics on a new path. Billing Bush's strategy as a "makeover," The Associated Press described the new new thing in presidential campaigns: Instead of the top members of the brain trust sticking with the candidate and running a traditional campaign management game, Bush's top people -- and the lion's share of the money -- were going to his "Right To Rise" super PAC. A few weeks later, The Huffington Post's "Trail To The Chief" team did some dead reckoning, and determined that we are entering an era in which the candidates became "something completely incidental to real politics":
We’re at the threshold of a new era, in which presidential candidates are no longer visionary dispensers of authentic policy wisdom learned from the trenches of experience, but, rather, merely stylish two-dimensional avatars through which the wants and needs of billionaire wealth are expressed. And the only thing that arrangement requires is good P.R.
The New York Times' Nicholas Confessore and Eric Lichtblau subsequently expanded on this idea considerably, noting that the 2016ers were, "with striking speed, ... exploiting loopholes and regulatory gray areas to transform the way presidential campaigns are organized and paid for." The activities traditionally associated with campaigns, they noted, from "advertising to opposition research to policy development," have moved under the aegis of dark money organizations.
"In this new world, campaigns are not campaigns," Confessore and Lichtblau write. "And candidates are not actually candidates."
Perhaps you are not actually a voter anymore, either? The only way to tell, I guess, is to find out whether you have contributed tens of millions of dollars to a super PAC. Have you? No? Well then.
Peace Out, Mitt Romney! If you were harboring any hopes that former Massachusetts governor and two-time presidential contender Mitt Romney would someday seek the GOP ticket once again, it's time to let those dreams go. Romney, who now enjoys the odd bit of "sport," said this month that the sun has officially set on the "running for president" stage of his career. Which, to offer proper respect, is the only part of his career that didn't go the way he'd hoped. Per HuffPost's Mollie Reilly:
The former Massachusetts governor, who first sought the Oval Office in 2008 before winning the Republican nomination in 2012, spoke with "Extra's" Mario Lopez about his political future before his charity boxing match with former heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield last week.
"I think I'm running from fights like this, but I'm not going to be running for president," Romney told Lopez.
In the future, we will all probably let go of our most heartfelt ambitions in conversations with a cast member of "Saved By The Bell."
What's next for Romney? Here's hoping he considers cleaning up FIFA.
Pour One Out For Mark Halperin's Weird Interview With Ted Cruz. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) is running for president. Mark Halperin is running Bloomberg's political coverage. This month, Halperin noticed something interesting about Ted Cruz: His father, Rafael, was born in Cuba. (Cruz himself was born in Canada.) Halperin got a little too fixated on this detail, and went on to piss away his interview opportunity with Cruz by asking him a clutch of batty questions:
"Do you have a favorite Cuban food … Cuban dish?"
"Do you have a favorite Cuban singer?"
"Finally, I wanted to give you the opportunity to welcome your colleague Senator Sanders to the race and I’d like you to do it, if you would, en Espanol."
Columnist Ruben Navarette noticed the interview, and infamy was had. Apologies were made. Apologies were accepted. But how did this happen? Let's let The Washington Post's Philip Bump explain:
When Halperin joined Bloomberg, it was reported that he was earning seven figures for the privilege, largely on the strength of his "Game Change" book recaps of 2008 and 2012 with fellow Bloomberg recruit John Heilemann. It's the sort of stamp of approval that could make anyone overestimate the usefulness of their insights. It's hard to believe that this isn't hat's happening here.
As cringe-inducing as the interview was, however, the truly embarrassing thing about it may have been the fact that it took a week for anyone to notice it had even happened.
Best Of Luck, Gyrocopter Guy. Finally, someone is facing jail time as a result of our scandalously unregulated campaign finance system -- the guy who protested it. As The Associated Press' Jessica Gresko reported earlier this month:
A Florida man who piloted a gyrocopter through miles of America's most restricted airspace before landing at the U.S. Capitol is now facing charges that carry up to 9½ years in prison.
The U.S. Attorney's Office for the District of Columbia said Wednesday in a statement that a grand jury has indicted Douglas Hughes on six charges. He is scheduled to appear Thursday in federal court in Washington.
Hughes wrote in a subsequent op-ed for The Washington Post that "Accepting responsibility for my actions means I accept their consequences, which I always took seriously." But he says he's still determined to speak out on behalf of the "91 percent of Americans" who "see the corrosive influence of money in our political system that demands attention."
Nevertheless, as Gresko notes, Hughes is staring down the barrel at two felony charges: "operating as an airman without an airman's certificate and violating aircraft registration requirements." Like they say, the scandal is what's legal.
Been Nice Knowing You, Rand Paul Staffer Who Likes To Lick Things. Every once in a while, American politics forces us to encounter events that should not have happened, perpetrated by deeply bizarre people. This month, we got to know David Chesley, Sen. Rand Paul's (R-Ky.) New Hampshire political director, and his penchant for the stomach-churningly grotesque:
Yes, that image is Chesley, unveiling his thick tongue and bathing the lens of an American Bridge tracker's camera with it.
I don't know what is wrong with some people, you guys. I really don't.
Godspeed You, Selected Of God! It feels like almost a month has passed since renowned neurosurgeon Ben Carson entered the race, making the official announcement at the Detroit Music Hall. That's because it was almost a month ago. Sometimes things just are what they are, man, I don't make the rules.
Carson's launch event was of the epic variety, featuring testimonials and video presentations and, of course, a lengthy oration from the good doctor himself. It was, if nothing else, a monument to self-regard. But during those same proceedings, a gospel choir named Selected Of God performed Eminem's "Lose Yourself" (also known as "the Eminem song that your parents kind of like"), and they straight-up wrecked shop. Watch for yourself.
Our presidential elections are long and terrible, but every once in a while, they cause something unimpeachably great to happen. But don't get your hopes up!
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