The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant -- but succinct -- wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week's great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
In order to attract the African American vote, Donald Trump has declared his running mate will be Rachel Dolezal
— (maura) (@behindyourback) June 16, 2015
My new moisturizer has a special organic "nutri-soil" complex in it so I can look sexy AND grow heirloom tomatoes on my face if I need to.
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) June 16, 2015
Marriage is mostly just attempting to make compromises in which you get the better deal.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) June 17, 2015
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn't know some person's every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) June 18, 2015
male doctor: I'm afraid you have mercury poisoning
me: *ahem* HERcury poisoning
md: ok but still you literally have minutes to live
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) June 16, 2015
Fact: Everything is a fact if you don't know what the word fact means.
— Jess (@jessokfine) June 15, 2015
My vocabulary is just varying lengths of sighs.
— LazorTits (@lorigonzalez28) June 18, 2015
One time I invited a guy over for dinner but I didn't feel like cooking so I just poured us each a bowl of cereal really romantically.
— Baby Swayze (@buhsbaby_baby) June 15, 2015
Unless my horoscope says "you should absolutely eat 26 chicken nuggets today" I'm not really interested.
— The Alicianater (@leechee420) June 18, 2015
911 what is your emer- A HOT GUY W/ TATTOOS IS PLAYING W/ A BABY BY THE COFFEE STAND I WORK AT Ma'am, that's no- I THINK MY OVARIES EXPLODED
— Jayne Complains (@jaynecomplains) June 13, 2015
*dumps a bag of sugar on you* An now you're my Peep.
— Kaylee ☂ (@Sinfullee) June 15, 2015
After spending a day thinking too much and over analyzing, I'm pretty sure I've created a portal into another world with no exit
— Ella Fraser (@ella__fraser) June 15, 2015
What's it called when you love animals more than people?
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) June 13, 2015
The year is 2075. Gender & race no longer exist. There are just 2 types of people: Vegan or Paleo
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) June 14, 2015
It's a lot harder to find a late night parking spot now that they deliver drugs 24/7
— Jessica Delfino (@jessicadelfino) June 13, 2015
Have you ever been unsure whether you're angry because you're hungry or you're angry because it's Tuesday?
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) June 16, 2015
it must be really hard being lebron. i remember doing group projects in school
— Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) June 17, 2015
Sometimes the conversational utility of "It's so cold in this office, right?!" is worth it being so cold in this office.
— Amanda Duberman (@AmandaDuberman) June 16, 2015
With my massive snack collection and willingness to do the sex, my single status is puzzling.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) June 19, 2015
Maybe people would be happier if they just spent more time looking at pictures of dogs wearing wigs
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) June 19, 2015
Can you imagine the type of monster that eats a suggested serving size?
— bourgeois beth (@bourgeoisalien) June 16, 2015
ALSO ON HUFFPOST:
How will Donald Trump’s first 100 days impact YOU? Subscribe, choose the community that you most identify with or want to learn more about and we’ll send you the news that matters most once a week throughout Trump’s first 100 days in office. Learn more