Some news stories use blatant exaggeration to strike fear and paranoia into the heart of the reader. This is one of those news stories.
Inmates Richard Matt and David Sweat remain on the loose after escaping from a maximum-security facility in upstate New York on June 6. Are you panicking yet? You should be! Because here are the CERTAIN locations in which you WILL encounter these two bloodthirsty madmen TONIGHT:
In the Backseat of Your Car
It seems a bit ironic that murderers are the only ones who don’t prefer shotgun. These two cold-blooded killers are sparing no clichés by lurking in your backseat right this second -- along with that nasty bag of Taco Bell you still haven’t thrown out. These two on-the-run butchers have witnessed some gruesome carnage, but nothing nearly as vile as that four-day-old Chalupa. You're nasty.
Under Your Bed
Rogue socks, loose change and a pair of murderous fugitives ready to take some innocent souls along with them to the grave. That’s what you should expect to see if you peek beneath your mattress frame this evening. Sweet dreams!
Over There in the Mist
Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. And where there’s mist, there’s killing machines Richard Matt and David Sweat waiting to tear you limb from limb.
Down in the Cellar
Why do you have a cellar, again? For all of those fine wines you collect? You drink PBR. This one’s on you.
Disguised as Your Loved Ones
Your mom and dad seemed a bit off today. They were strangely obsessive about their insatiable appetite for the blood of -- wait a minute! Those were the assassins on the lam! It appears as if they've undergone intricate cosmetic surgery to hide behind the identities of your folks.
Just to be safe, go home and give each of your family members a firm tugging of the nose to verify the authenticity of their cartilage. Don't forget to check Fido, too.
At a Screening of the "Entourage" Movie
This film has been attracting some real lowlifes. Just sayin'.
They're Standing Right Behind Me, Aren't They?
Oh. No. The entire time I've been typing up this piece to warn you about the potential whereabouts of the ruthless psychopaths, they were reading it over my shoulder. I knew I smelled FBI-most-wanted breath. I have to leave you now. One of them is asking me to step away from the computer so he can check Pinterest.