DUI Checkpoint Scheduled For July 4, 1776

Hear ye, hear ye! On this day, the fourth of July, in the year of 1776, Philadelphia minutemen will be conducting DUI sobriety checkpoints to deter townsfolk from nimptopsical equestrian navigation.

‘Tis hereby declared that any horseman, coachman, or postilion thought to be impaired will be subjected to a sobriety field test including, but not limited to, walking a straight line, optically following a quill, and reciting the alphabet backwards (no matter the statistic that 40 percent of colonists are illiterate). Upon failing these tests, a suspect may be instructed to blow into a device that estimates one’s level of intoxication: a bugle.

Such strict enforcement comes in anticipation of The Declaration of Independence, a document rumoured to affirm the freedom of the colonies from British rule. Future generations will refer to this day of public drunkenness, the fourth of July, as our “Day of Independence” or “Independence Day,” but assuredly nothing so lazy as “The Fourth of July.”