It's that time of year again, when the stay-at-home parents can finally return to their no pants routine. We're talking about the kids going back to school!
HuffPost Comedy wants to make sure that your child has everything he or she needs to succeed in life, so here are a just a few absolutely essential items they will need on that first day of school.
- A college degree. You're never going to get anywhere without this.
- A solid, single-page resume. Don't list school accomplishments. School doesn't count, and it won't ever count.
- References. Not your parents. You're not in the womb anymore.
- A presentation about your startup. Your teacher is also going to want to hear the catchy startup name for your first day, so be ready. (HINT: Take an adjective or sound effect and eliminate as many vowels as you can from it. For example, "KRAABOOOSH!" becomes "Krboosh."*)
- Industry contacts. It's good to know at least one person who can take your first novel and adapt it into a decent screenplay.
- Inflated sense of self. So much so, you shouldn't even be able to fit it all in your backpack. Remove modesty and humanity to make it fit.
- Something to blame your future drinking on. Never too early to start blaming stuff.
- The potential to go viral.
- A good lawyer for when you've finally gone viral.
- A well-established selfie face. This will essentially be your signature for the rest of your life.
- A go-to happy hour bar. And there better be specials, otherwise what f**k are we even doing here?
- A box of tissues for the class.
- Oh, and some sweet mechanical pencils. Yeah, those are awesome.
*Krboosh is a wholly owned subsidiary of Kblooey Industries, which is itself a part of Awsmr, Inc.
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