Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
You can read all kinds of parenting books, but nothing prepares you for waking up a teenager to go to school.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 17, 2015
My kids recently learned how to make scrambled eggs, so now I need to invest in chickens and also better homeowners insurance.
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) August 17, 2015
My son just said the words every Mother longs to hear: "I'll buy my lunch."
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) August 21, 2015
Forgot to make our kids hold a chalkboard that said 1st day of school in the pictures we took & now we're getting kicked out of the suburbs.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 20, 2015
I knew my husband was nailing the parenting gig when he tried to send the kids to bed at 11am.
— Wonder Kitten (@Tw1tter_K1tten) August 20, 2015
Parenthood: When you have to tell other people to pee before you do anything ever or else.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) August 20, 2015
I'm going to interrupt you every chance I get, but if you interrupt me, I'll never forgive you. - 5yos
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) August 19, 2015
"I can't wait to relax on the beach, take some naps and read a book" - People without kids
— The Walking Dad (@RealDMK) August 17, 2015
I've decided to follow my kid around with a dust buster for the rest of her life. It's just easier this way.
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) August 17, 2015
My kids just spent twenty minutes staring in awe at their grandparents' corded wall phone like they saw the Virgin Mary in a piece of toast.
— Bone (@FinallyHeSleeps) August 18, 2015
It's sad when your kid wants to get rid of toys he used to love. Except a noisy one. Then you throw a party & kick that thing out the door.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) August 17, 2015
Me: What's the suite number on that address? 8: It just says "Hashtag 301." Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) August 18, 2015
5-year-old: *pushes toy vacuum across the room* Me: Why don't you push a real vacuum and actually help out? 5: That's not how fun works.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 15, 2015
At this point in my life if I drop something and can't pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it's staying on the floor.
— Babies Daddy (@dshack8) August 18, 2015
Day 3 of potty training and my toddler can't stop talking about wedgies.
— Gina Trapani (@ginatrapani) August 18, 2015
How do moms eat? Have you ever watched a crow try to eat roadkill? Fly away. Fly back. Gets 1 bite. Fly away. Fly back. Gets 1 bite.
— Court (@Discourt) August 18, 2015
Me: Please stop treating your brother like your pet. 7yo:.......why? Me: Because it's not ni.... 3yo: WOOF!!! Me: Never mind.
— Dave Lesser (@AmateurIdiot) August 17, 2015
Life goal - see less of 4AM, see more of my shower
— meredithrodkey (@meredithrodkey) August 18, 2015
Why are you playing with your brother's underwear? Why is it in the hallway? Why is it in your mouth? Parenting is about important questions
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) August 20, 2015
"How was your weekend?" "What weekend?" -Parents
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) August 17, 2015
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