Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
There are lessons to be learned at the beginning of every school year. Lesson#1: I am not a morning person. The end.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) September 4, 2015
Need coffee to think. Need to think to coffee. The eternal parenting conundrum.
— Mike Reynolds (@PuzzlingPostDad) September 1, 2015
Breakfast has been brought to you by the letter A for Arguing and the number 3 as in I'm going to count to 3 if you don't stop right now.
— The Dose of Reality (@TheDoseTweets) September 1, 2015
My toddler loves me! When I have a Popsicle Otherwise she only loves mom.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) September 3, 2015
Teacher: Fill out the parent form. Me: Why? Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble. Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 3, 2015
(I put his plate with a sandwich down) 3yo: I don’t like sandwiches. (I put my plate with the same sandwich down) 3yo: Can I have yours?
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) September 3, 2015
"FINE! I'M UNSUBSCRIBING FROM YOUR YOUTUBE CHANNEL!" ~ how my kids argue
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 2, 2015
One of the main parts of parenting is stirring an ice cube into a little bowl of food that is too hot.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 31, 2015
What I say: "Go outside and play." What I mean: "That's as much parenting as I'm capable of right now. Please go away."
— qwertygirl (@qwertygirl) September 1, 2015
Me: *buys a year's worth of snacks* OK kids, remember, these are for school. Kids: *have already eaten all the snacks*
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 3, 2015
What's your new teacher like? 5yo: "She's younger than you and has a lot less wrinkles. Like, LOTS less!"
— Mark, Sonny, & Luca (@sonnyandluca) September 2, 2015
4yo: What happens if your phone goes in the potty? Me: WHY? 4yo: Never mind.
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) September 2, 2015
You know what's relaxing? Pretty much anything not involving children.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) August 31, 2015
Cannot Take Photo There is not enough available storage to take a photo. You can manage storage by not allowing toddlers to take pictures.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) September 3, 2015
99% of eating at a restaurant with kids is preventing them from spilling their drinks.
— Heather B. Armstrong (@dooce) August 30, 2015
The Boy: Mom, you're not a trainwreck; I think you are trying really hard. And that, friends, is how I picked my favorite child.
— Ponies and Martinis (@PonyMartini) September 1, 2015
Me: I don't understand how I got sick 5yo: *Walks into bathroom, blows nose on hand towel Me: Nevermind
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) September 1, 2015
My kids think "Don't interrupt" means stand directly in front of me and watch my mouth until words stop coming out of it for one second.
— StefanieWilderTaylor (@SWilderTaylor) September 2, 2015
wife: This is a nice restaurant so please, PLEASE behave *looks at 9* 9: *nods* *looks at me* me [about to use my fork as a catapult] What?
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 28, 2015
*imagines being asked 'who are you wearing?'* oh um My Son's Hoodie, Maternity Skirt 2004, and Someone Left This At My House 10 Years Ago
— Li'l Edie Pentland (@JennyPentland) August 25, 2015
7yo: I am so excited about sleeping in tomorrow. Me: Me too! 7yo: I think I'll probably sleep until SEVEN! Me: *sobs quietly
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) September 4, 2015
Also on HuffPost: