Pumpkin Spice Is Dead, Long Live Salted Caramel

Pumpkin spice is over, dead. If you are still doing whatever one does with pumpkin spice (eating? drinking? snorting with $100 bills?), you are like that guy who is so stoked about the U2 concert he saw last night. You might as well catch the next plane to Pyongyang, because you and the tyrannical dictator Kim Jong Un are the very last people on the planet who think pumpkin spice is awesome.

Everyone else, everyone else who matters, is totally into salted caramel. Which, unlike the garbage spice pumpkin spice, is enjoyed throughout the year -- and isn't just a lame marketing gimmick trotted out to appeal to Thanksgiving shoppers and people who smoke a ton of weed.

That is, at least, the gist of an unsolicited email I received this afternoon. According to new data from the self-described "experts" at health-tracker app MyFitnessPal, the trend of pumpkin spice "MIGHT BE FIZZLING OUT" (emphasis added). Last year, according to these experts, humans consumed 7.3 percent less pumpkin spice-flavored items than the year before. Meanwhile, salted caramel as a thing is "booming," having enjoyed a 7 percent spike since the beginning of 2014.

Totally incidentally, I cashed out my 401(k) and bought 40,000 gallons of salted caramel flavoring that I'm looking to sell at a totally reasonable price.