Tonight marks the second Republican presidential debate. For some candidates, this is the last chance to make a lasting impression on Republican voters and boost themselves up to contend with Trump. Failure could mean joining Rick Perry at the losers table for the rest of American history.
The candidates will be asked very serious questions on income inequality, foreign policy and immigration, among other topics. But we all know what they're going to say, right? If I'm being honest, I think these candidates are all pretty much the same except for Trump who is way worse.
Considering that, let's take a look at the REAL questions the American public has for each candidate going into tonight's highly anticipated debate.
When will Ben Carson start using his big boy voice?
Ben Carson is closing in on Trump in the polls despite the fact that he sounds like he's been in time out for the past four hours. Trust me, I've listened to this guy shrug-mumble his way through enough interviews and stump speeches to last a lifetime. If Ben Carson wants to be president, he'll need to develop a voice that inspires the American public to go to the polls and think voting for a retired brain doctor is a good idea. For his sake, I hope that happens tonight.
Will we finally see Ted Cruz's nose touch his chin?
It seems like they want to so bad, right? I'm not crazy! Ted Cruz is a heated monologue away from tying his face in a square knot. I have a hunch that on a good day Ted Cruz can touch his nose to his Adam's apple.
Does Chris Christie double down on the sexy podium lean?
Sex sells. Chris Christie knows that. Christie's sexy podium lean is really the only weapon he has at this point. He could unleash his off-the-cuff-Jersey-guff but that's now completely uncalled for thanks to Donald "Go back to Univision" Trump. Let's see if Christie can turn up the heat to seduce voters.
Will the organizers remember to leave a place for Rand Paul to stand?
There are so many GOP candidates! I mean Rand Paul wasn't included in the first 3 drafts of this article. And if you're organizing an event of this size, something is bound to fall through the cracks. Don't be surprised when Rand Paul is standing next to Huckabee with no podium in front of him looking like Huckabee's creepy body guard.
I haven't thought of Marco Rubio once. Not one time.
Will John Kasich continue to be the only person saying normal things that make sense? Why?
In the last debate, John Kasich said that he accepted the supreme court's ruling on same-sex marriages. He also said that he recently went to a wedding of somebody who happens to be gay and it wasn't the biggest deal in the world. Very cool! But that's not going to beat Trump who proudly talks about using immigrant slave labor to build a giant wall. Ya know, like an emperor.
Will Kasich backtrack into crazy-town or will he continue his tear of saying obvious things? Will he say that women should be paid the same as men? Or maybe that racism still exists? My money's on "college shouldn't cost so much money!"
When Carly Fiorina shuts down Trump, will it be satisfying or will she lame it up?
Carly is being set up for a HUGE moment in tonight's debate. More so than Arianna Grande playing Wheel of Musical Impressions and just happening to land on Christina Aguilera. Ya know, Christina Aguilera?! The singer that Arianna Grande sounds exactly like and is most commonly compared to? Oh my god what are the chances, right!?!?!?
This is Carly Fiorina's Be-Christina-Aguilera-NOW moment. Will she be able to drop the mic or will she give us that "I am rubber and you are glue" garbage?
Will Scott Walker admit that he's running for Vice President?
The guy stinks of second place!
Did they?
Has Jeb Bush thought to have Donald Trump murdered?
Jeb's on the ropes, no question. He recently sunk $24 million in ad money for Iowa, South Carolina and New Hampshire. And $1 million in Trump attack ads. Right now he's looking at being the only Bush boy without a presidency. I can't imagine the non-stop razzing from W if he can't win the White House. At this point, Jeb's only course of action might be to make sure Trump falls down a flight of stairs. Otherwise, he's going to fail where the family idiot triumphed.
Will Donald Trump say, "Shut up, bitch!" to Carly Fiorina?
Hand to god, I can't believe it hasn't happened already. The fact is that Trump refuses to be "politcally correct." It's what's making him stronger. And the deeper he sinks, the better he does. He burns Rosie O'Donnel -- BOOM! he's up 10 percent. He says most Mexicans are rapists -- BLAMB! frontrunner status. Does he go for it at the second debate? Does he say the word that guys can't say anymore? Every move he's made has been make or break in his favor. Smart money says no, but honestly this pile of garbage criticized John McCain for being a POW. You really never know with Trump.
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