Pope Francis is gracing our great nation until Sunday. For any God-fearing citizen, this may be the ONLY chance to get blessed by his Holiness.
And let's be honest. YOU NEED TO BE BLESSED.
A blessing from Papa Francisco means TWO things:
1. Total forgiveness of sins.
2. A one-way ticket to heaven.
Here are five easy ways to stand out from the crowd and make sure His Holiness saves your wretched, cursed, disgusting soul!
1. GET A CRYING BABY
It doesn't have to be yours. It can belong to a friend or even the person standing next to you. In the moment, Pope Francis wont care. He'll just think, "Oh, what a lovely baby. I'll give it a kiss and then bless the person holding it! I'm the Pope!"
If you're worried about how the people around you will react to you yanking a baby, consider that the whole incident will be something you laugh about with George Washington while you sip champagne in the kingdom of eternal salvation. Cheers!
2. STRAIGHT UP GRAB THE POPE
Is it wrong to force yourself onto the Pope? Yes.
Will you get manhandled by security? Yes.
Will The Pope push you away? NO! It's his job to be nice.
Wrap your arms around Pope Francis and do not stop kissing until he draws a cross on your forehead. If he hasn't drawn a cross, you aren't officially blessed. Considering the horrible things you've done in your life, you can't afford not to be touched by his holiness. Remember, God only helps those who help themselves.
3. HAVE A KILLER INSTAGRAM FILTER READY
Pope Francis only has 15 seconds to deal with you. This is the time to sell your personal style. Lo-Fi looks great. Crema? Hudson? All good bets. Now you're thinking, "But isn't it good enough to just get the pic with him? Who cares if it looks good?" THE POPE CARES! He'll take a photo with literally anybody. You want him to bless your rotten spirit for the rest of time.
Think of it this way: The Pope knows God. Like, they talk to each other. And heaven is like a big party. When they're making the guest list, do you want the Pope to see your name and go, "Ehh ... I don't know they didn't really make an impression on me," or do you want the Pope to be like, "GOD! YOU MUST!"
4. FLAGS! FLAGS! WAVE THE FLAGS! WAVE THEM!
Harder! HARDER! Wave the flags! Everybody is waving the flag so YOU must wave them harder and better! Wanna stand out? GET MORE FLAGS! Is somebody waving three flags at once? THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE 100 FLAGS IN EACH HAND! Understand? Let me put it to you this way:
FLAGS = SALVATION
NO FLAGS = GATES OF HELL
5. BLOCK THE WIND FOR HIS HOLINESS!
Pope Francis has struggled with the wind throughout his entire papacy. In many ways, the wind is the closest thing we have to the anti-Christ. Show him you're on the side of the righteous by providing him much need shelter. He'll be so grateful for your service that he will no doubt vouche for you when it's time to meet your maker.
If YOU have been blessed by Pope Francis, please share your tips in the comments.
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