Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I'm a woman. I'll tear you to shreds. But I'm a mom so I'll have to throw the shreds away because WHY CAN'T ANYONE ELSE PICK UP AROUND HERE
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) October 13, 2015
Bringing your coffee around in a Buzz Lightyear sippy cup is a great alternative for when you've run out of clean travel mugs and dignity.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 13, 2015
As a parent, 90% of my daydreams are just my kids actually responding when I say their names.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) October 13, 2015
Every toddler’s internal alarm clock is set to shuffle from midnight to 6am.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) October 14, 2015
Some kids fight over toys. My kids fight over the front seat like it's front row at the Oscars.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 12, 2015
If you don't want the whole world to know something do not tell it to a 4yo.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) October 12, 2015
[finally gets the car seat installed correctly] Me: Where’s the baby? Wife: In college.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 12, 2015
It's adorable how my kids are so thrilled with themselves for sharing something with me that I paid for.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) October 14, 2015
99% of eating at a restaurant with kids is yelling at your kids to sit back down and waiting for the check.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) October 16, 2015
Using the bathroom alone is obviously a criminal offense punished by children.
— Skinnie Talls (@SkinnieTalls) October 16, 2015
I didn't even know I could screw up a scrambled egg. But here we are & my daughter is loudly telling her dolls that's exactly what I've done
— Mike Reynolds (@PuzzlingPostDad) October 12, 2015
My kids say they're hungry, but all I hear is, we'd like to waste some food now.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) October 12, 2015
I think it's highly possible that I hate my kid's homework more than they do.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) October 7, 2015
Turns out yelling "grab your balls, kids, it's time to go!" when soccer practice ended was a bad choice of words.
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) October 16, 2015
Me: Why did you throw this shirt in the laundry if you only wore it for 1 hour? 7: Because I knew you'd be mad if I threw it on the floor.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) October 13, 2015
Sorry, I would have checked in with you sooner but my 8yo has been taking selfies of her foot with my phone for the past hour.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 12, 2015
If leaving cereal boxes sitting on the kitchen counter with the bag & box wide open were a marketable skill, my kids would make us rich.
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) October 16, 2015
Statistically speaking, in a family of 6 (3 of whom are children, 1 who is a teen, & 2 adults), how many people should be crying at once?
— Li'l Edie Pentland (@JennyPentland) October 16, 2015
Spent $200 at Sam's and now we are using toilet paper for plates.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) October 16, 2015
A good parent gives the last cookie in the bag to his child. (mouth filled with last cookie) What?!
— Now Watch Me Meh Meh (@TheAlexNevil) October 16, 2015
Also on HuffPost:
Cute Kid Notes
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Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
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