Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Parenthood is waking up at 5 am to the sound of your kid practicing his "best howl."
— Jen Simon (@NoSleepInBklyn) April 11, 2016
Nothing gets the blood pumping first thing in the morning like having to chase down your 5yo when he sprints away from the school bus.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 14, 2016
Times of the day my kids are the most hungry:
— Mike Reynolds (@PuzzlingPostDad) April 11, 2016
3. Morning.
2. Lunch.
1. 10 seconds after they've said "I'm full," and we've cleared plates.
Favorite lie told by my kids:
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 13, 2016
I cleaned my room but don't go in there yet.
*Doesn't camp out before the elementary school music concert*
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 13, 2016
*Parks 300 miles away and hikes to the school*
There is only one rule to successful parenting: Never. Run. Out. Of. Batteries.
— Will (@willgoldstein) April 14, 2016
My toddler has created "karate ballet"
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) April 13, 2016
and I'm scared for us all...
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that "Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it's next to Mrs. Sippi."
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) April 11, 2016
My 6yos forget their school backpacks every single day. You have to admire that level of consistency.
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) April 14, 2016
After years of marriage & kids I have no idea how I'd handle a 1st date. Just give him a juice box, crackers & an iPad? Do I bring coupons?
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 11, 2016
It's weird how we tell kids not to lie then tell them how good the picture they drew is.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 15, 2016
Parenting is fun if you're into things like cooking for people who aren't hungry.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 9, 2016
Me: You forgot to brush your teeth. They're going to fall out.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 14, 2016
5-year-old: That's the point.
That tooth fairy story backfired.
Potty training my kid, and I just made up a cheer with the word POOP in it. Burning my college degree later today.
— Carrie On, Y'all (@CarrieOnYall) April 12, 2016
If you are considering procreating, come to my house before school in the a.m. to see what this joy of parenting shit is truly all about.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) April 14, 2016
I just tried to wear funky athletic leggings only to have my 7 yr old daughter look at me sternly & say, "That's kind of like lying, Mommy"
— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) April 13, 2016
Me: [walking up slide] Have you seen my briefcase? I'm late for an important meeting.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) April 14, 2016
[slides down, checks toybox]
Where is it?
- Parenting
8: Can I poop on you?
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) April 13, 2016
Me: No, thank you.
11: Does Batman go to the bathroom standing up or sitting?
Me: Both, I hope.
- Why I hide from kids
Number of ponytail holders I've purchased for my daughter: 4 billion
— Sara (@smilely_gal) April 11, 2016
Number of ponytail holders she can locate: 0
Do you ever close your kids car door and then pause to take a huge deep breath before entering the car yourself? Yeah, that.
— Chris Read (@CanadianDadBlog) April 13, 2016